Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Hold on to hope

Last night Mr B read me a blogpost I had written about 3 years ago. He wanted to remind of how far I can come. 

Hearing those words made me think about about all the little things that have helped in my recovery. It also made me wonder what would I say to my 25 year old self, drowning in the darkness. Would that girl listen to me? Or would she ignore me? Would she even believe me?

I know there are many people out there who are struggling with the black dog. The black dog tells you that you will never get better, that no-one cares, that there is no point in trying. But I want to tell you that the black dog is lying. His voice is strong, loud, and all consuming, but he's not telling you the truth.

In any kind of recovery, whether it be physical or mental, there is the age old saying that 'time is the greatest healer'. But when you have been struggling for so long, you cannot begin to imagine that this might be true. It seems like a cheesy line from a film, or a book, some kind of fantasy that doesnt sit anywhere in your own reality.

I never believed that time was a healer. I dismissed it as a fantasy. 

However, looking back over the past 4 years, I can say that time has been a healer. The many days, months and years that have gone by, have all contributed to my recovery. It didnt seem like it at the time. It seemed like an endless stretch of days full of numbing pain, but gradually, little by little, things changed, and the wounds in my mind began to heal.

Some people are against taking medication, I'm not one of them, but I remember the time when I was so fed up with my anti-depressants not working, that I began to lose my faith in them too.

When it comes to medication, I think the important thing to remember is that there are so many different kinds of anti-depressants, and it is your doctors job to find the right one for you. It took my doctors and psychiatrists over 12 months to find the right drug for me, and I had got to a point when I had nothing to lose. I said to myself, "well I may as well give it a try, whats the worst that can happen." I had to force myself to take a chance, a leap of faith, and luckily, it worked. 

I think it was in the film Shawshank Redemption when Red says to Andy Dufrane, "Hope is a dangerous thing." Well Red, you are wrong my friend. Oh so wrong. For hope is the only thing. 

Hope keeps us afloat. It keeps us from sinking into the darkness. 

Without hope I would not be here.

Hope is the light inside our soul that begs us to keep living.

Hope tells us not to give up.

Hope is tomorrow.

Hope is the voice in your head that can shout louder than the black dog, you just have to tune in.

Hope allows us to believe. 

Please hold on.



Monday, 13 October 2014

Don't forget, anticipate, defend.

Note to self: When you are physically unwell, your mental health often seems to follow the same path.

Why do I never remember this?

I dont know if this is the same for everyone or maybe its just me, but whenever I get some kind of disgusting virus, it seems to be the prime time for the black dog to pounce.

I've been poorly for almost a week now, and quite frankly, I am a more than a little bit fed up with it. Well, I should  say I do feel a tiny bit more human like today, but anyway, I had to miss a party on Saturday which was incredibly irksome.

Mr B had been a legendary nurse, putting up with my snotty snot rags and my gross hacking cough. And I will of course be recommending him for the Queens new years honours list (defo think he's got a chance of an MBE this year.)

And so, I've basically lost my thread entirely now....

Oh yes I remember.....

When I'm physically ill, it gives me too much time to think about things. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I over-think things anyway. So basically, its a double whammy over-thinking about things nightmare. Lets just say the phrase 'over thinking about things again'. I feel the more I write it, the more you will understand the spiralling confusion that happens in my brain.

(NB that paragraph was meant to confuse you. I'm not just shit at writing. Honestly.)

The black dog seems to sense that my defenses are down, that I dont have the usual things to distract me. 

I've been lying in my bed, trying to get well, yet my brain starts worrying, which turns to gettting anxious, and then turns into paranoia and feeling guilty.

Friday and Saturday were my first days off ill in over year, and I felt almost as sick with guilt for not being there as I did being actually unwell. Which is ridiuclous. I was ill, there was nothing I could do about it, these things happen, and there was no way I could work, but the black dog loves to pile guilt onto me, and I'm powerless to do anything.

HOWEVER, I am finally starting to feel a little better. Take that black dog. In your FACE

I just need to remember that next time I'm suffering physically, the black dog is more likely to come sniffing around. So I can be ready to punch him in the face. Or roll over and go back to sleep. Either option would work really.


Tuesday, 7 October 2014


Once again the world has shifted.

Its tilted.


And I cant write this blog without mentioning why.

Last week a friend of mine passed away.

She was young. She was beautiful. She always made me laugh. She was Rach.

And now I have to say was.

When anybody passes away its always distressing, but when someone so young leaves this world, I just cant get my head around it. It was only last year that my school friend Luke also tragically passed away. 

I wasn't best friends with either Luke or Rach, but they both touched my life in ways that I cant really begin to explain.

Perhaps that's what I find so hard to comprehend,  that neither will ever know the positive impact they made on the lives of so many people.

 Yet all I can do is pray for her family, pray for those closest to her, and hold on to my belief that she is in a better place. Whilst remembering that she will forever live on in the hearts and memories of so many people...

The past few days I've been spending with my bestie pal Laura, which have been really special.

 But today every dark and depressing feeling and thought seems to have crept up on me. 

It seems that the only thing to keep the black dog away is to keep on making pom poms (in an ever so slightly obsessive way.) And continue to watch episodes of Greys Anatomy. (Much easier to find comfort in imaginary drama, than to face the thoughts in my own head.)

I keep on writing words and deleting them now. My head is rather mushed up and unsure what to say... But I like this song, the words seem to fit, so lets listen to this instead...