Monday, 31 March 2014

A bit of nothing will do you good

Today I have mostly tried to do nothing.

Which can be surprisingly difficult.

Especially when you feel like you should be doing something.

But I really needed a nothing day.

A day of doing nothing.

Saying nothing.

Seeing nothing.

This past week has been super lovely, but super crazy too and by Wednesday my anxiety levels were sky high. Which was particularly irritating as it happened to be Mr B's birthday, and I really didn't want to feel anxious on a day of celebration.

Its one of the most irksome and irritating things about anxiety and depression.

You might be celebrating something, or seeing friends,  or have an event you have been looking forward, but your mind is clouded. You know you should be happy and enjoying yourself, but you're sinking in the darkness, or spiralling out of control, and you cant get out of that place. And the fact that you should be happy, makes you feel worse, guilty, and more frustrated.

The black dog takes over your mind and body, and even now, when I know that he will eventually get back in his kennel, its still tough.

Tough but manageable I guess.

Which I hope gives people hope. (Awful grammar I know, massive apology.)

And so all of the above is an explanation as to why I had a nothing day. Because of course, me being me, I felt guilty for not doing something.

But perhaps I should try my best to bask in the glory of my nothing day...

I managed to achieve it! I didn't do anything! I didn't get out of my pyjamas until 3pm this afternoon! I haven't brushed my hair or washed my face! (So gross, but you have to achieve this on a nothing day.) And I watched endless hours of my favourite TV dramas! Yay for nothing days! I did it!


Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Riding the rail

I’m currently sat on the train from Beeston to Derby. The first part of a 3 hour journey….ahhh!

Being stuck on a train for 3 hours isn’t exactly my favourite place to be, so I thought I may as well take the chance to do a little bit of blogging……

I’m on my way back from my darling Sister’s house, and I must say, I’ve had a super duper time.

Its been so lovely to catch up with them all, and my nephew Joshua has been keeping me thoroughly entertained.

Today Sarah (that’s my sister, just incase you didn’t know her name) and I popped into town and had a browse around the charity shops. Which really is one of my favourite places to be.

For some unknown reason, the charity shops in Beeston are super ace, I always manage to find something, and today was no exception.

I managed to pick up a gorgeous bright coral cardigan, for the bargain price of £3. Its got a certain retro look to it and most probably belonged to a little old lady. Not that I’m rocking the granny look these days (no grey hairs yet anyway), I just love my over-sized granny-esque cardigans.

The countryside is whizzing past me now, oh I do just want to be home again. Train journeys really are the pits.

 At least I’m not sat next to a smelly stranger though. That would be worse. And if I was sat next to someone I wouldn’t be typing this, because I know they wouldn’t be able to stop their beady eyes from sneaking a peak at this really interesting bit of writing. Ha!

On the way up here though, I did start talking to a lovely person. She was knitting, and I was knitting, and well, we just chatted away for about an hour. I think she was a musician or something, and we ended up talking about how art or music or writing can be such an essential outlet for your emotion. She really was a wise bird. I should have got her name but I didn’t want to seem like too much of a monkey nut, so I will forever refer to her as the Wise Knitting Lady.

Mr B laughs at the way I sometimes end up talking to people on trains or buses. I don’t know why. Its funny because sometimes I’m really not in the mood to talk to anyone, but other times I’m like, “YEH! Come and tell me your life story!”

Last year I met a lovely lady on the train and she ended up sending me this awesome poem in an email. That was pretty amazing. I like to refer to her as the Amazing Poem Email Lady.

I’m annoyed I cant remember any of the others now. My memory has gone blankety blank.

Perhaps its time for a snooze. I am rather tired after all that thinking…. xxxx


Wednesday, 19 March 2014

31 days left

Its day 69 of my 100 happy days challenge, and although sometimes I'm finding it tricky, it also turns out to be rather fun.

It has helped me to do what I strive to do daily, which is to appreciate the little things in life.

Sometimes it can feel as if days, weeks and months all merge together. You cant always tell the difference from one week to the next. A friend may ask you what you've been up to recently, and your mind goes completely blank, as you frantically try and remember something fun you've done.

But through these 100 happy days, I have been able to document one thing from each day that has made me smile. Even when I cant imagine smiling.

 Each picture has allowed every day to stand alone, and to be appreciated. I never want to forget that life is a gift, and this challenge is helping me to remember that.
You know what, I'm tempted to even carry this one after the 100 days are over.

And who would of thought I would be saying that? Not me, that's for sure.

Whilst you're on here, why not check out the website and try it for yourself...

Here are a few of my favourie photos so far....




Friday, 14 March 2014

A break from the old routine? No thanks.

Do you like routine?

I guess routines are a bit like marmite, you either love or hate them.

Me, I love them. And marmite too actually.

Even when I was at my most poorly, I still tried to keep some sort of routine to my day.

Sometimes just getting out of bed and eating breakfast was my routine, but it was a small step.

Nowadays, my routine is even more important to me.

It helps me feel grounded, and gives me a sense of control.

Without my weekly routine, I would struggle to make sense of each week, I think I would feel rather lost.

Some people might think routines are a bit dull and boring, and maybe that's true, but not for me.

Sticking to a routine can have its downside though....And I can get rather disorientated and upset if my routine is changed beyond my control.

For example, in the morning, I like to eat my breakfast in the same seat, and use a particular spoon for my cereal. Which sounds slightly bordering on the ridiculous. But it makes my morning feel better, and I'm not hurting anyone. (Unless, of course they are sitting in my seat, and I have to poke them with a very large stick.)

I wonder how we have all evolved into these little routines. Did our ancestors like routine? I guess they would of had some routines in order to survive. Like going out to hunt at certain times of day and stuff. (Trying to imagine how cave people lived is quite hard....)

But that does make sense (in my mind anyway), and maybe these routines are just our own little ways of surviving.


Monday, 10 March 2014

(in brackets)

Just booked myself and Mr B into a hotel for our joint birthday celebration next month.


I cant flipping wait.

Its taken us ages to choose, and we've somewhat predictably opted for the same hotel we went to last year...

Oh we are just such a crazy couple of ravers, we really know how to live life on the wild side...

Anyway, it will be lovely jubly to get away and spoil ourselves a little bit.

I've been slightly on the edge over the past week or so. My brain has been overflowing with anxiety about various things, and its so hard to break the cycle. 

Every day is a battle full of obstacles, but I wont let the black dog win. I have to keep on fighting.

(Think, write, delete. Think, write, pause, delete. Think write, pause, delete, finish.)

I think that's it for tonight, my brain need to have a rest.

(Think, write, delete. Think, write, pause, delete. Think write, pause, delete, stop.)


Wednesday, 5 March 2014

99 problems but this blog ain't one... (sorry Jay Z)

It has come to my attention recently that blogging has its problems.

Let me explain...

When I first started blogging, I wasn't really getting out of the house. My days were spent staring out of the window, sleeping, knitting, writing, and I cant remember what else. Its all a bit of a blur.

 But you see, I didn't have massive contact with the outside world. And when I did, it was generally to try and do something positive or see friends that made me smile.

Things that upset me or brought me down were usually part of my depression, they were part of the illness, they weren't coming from external sources (ie other people.) Does that make sense?!

Nowadays, I'm feeling a lot better, I'm still on my meds but I'm working part time, and generally trying to live (which is a good thing of course.) However, the thing about living, is that you have a lot more contact with the outside world....

 Events happen in my week that can upset me, make me (more) paranoid, and generally pull me down. I accept that this is just a part of life, but these little events seem to affect me more than others.

They are external sources that exacerbate my depression and anxiety, and I'm struggling to fight them.

 My natural instinct is to write about them, to process my thoughts through the written word, which usually makes me feel a lot better. But you see, I can't do this now. I can't moan or rant and rave on here, because its too public. Yet I want to stick to the honest and open dialogue that I have always tried to maintain.

So what's the solution?

I have no fucking idea.

Which brings me to my next problem. Parents.

Hello Mum and Dad, sorry about my language, but if I cant swear on here, where can I?

Oh I jest, I jest, my parents aren't really a problem.... Mama Pig never used to read my blog, but now she is part of the Ipad generation (she's more high tech than me) and permanently attached to the darn thing.

My other problem is my memory (I'm only 27 but I think the alcohol has frazzled my brain cells...!) I literally cannot remember what I've written and what I haven't.

In fact, I have trouble working out what I've dreamt, and what is reality. Thoughts, conversations, words, images, all get very muddled up in my head, and I just have no idea when I'm repeating myself! Its a little bit annoying.


Next time you read this and I'm a bit vague, swearing in every sentence and repeating myself over and over again, you'll understand!


Monday, 3 March 2014

10 things that were true in 2004

One of my favourite websites at the moment is For someone who likes to procrastinate and read random lists about equally random things, this website is a gem.

I can waste an infinite amount of time reading articles such as, '19 things I learned on a training day for spies' , 'which Bill Murray character are you?' and this retro throwback, '116 Clueless outfits, ranked from worst to best' .

If you haven't ever visited this site, and want to waste some time, I really do recommend it.

My ultimate buzzfeed section is the 'retro' stuff. You can look back at old toys from your childhood, or remember those horrendous fashion mistakes you made in your teenage years.

Its also got me thinking, that this summer, June 2014, to be precise, will be 10 years since I finished high school.

What a different world.

2004 doesn't feel like that long ago, but really, when I think about all the things that have changed in my life, and the world, it feels like a million years ago.

So here is my first buzzfeed inspired top 10.

10 things that were true in 2004............

1.5 bottles of Reef for £5 was money well spent. Delicious alcohol that tasted like orange juice. Score!

2. A 10 packet of Marlborough lights cigarettes' only cost £3 (and you could smoke them in the pub, making your clothes smell gross.)

3. 'Talking' on msn was the best way to flirt. Facebook hadn't reached us then.

4. Going to Mirage (or Sugar) on a Thursday night and dancing to cheesy pop was the best way to party.

5. Ordering a tuna baguette from MTumms and getting it delivered to school, was the ultimate lunch experience.

6. Sitting in the park for hours with your friends was the only way to spend your Saturday. And Sunday. And every holiday.

7. GHD straighteners came on to the market and finally tamed frizzy hair.

8. Covering your bedroom wall with hundreds of photos of your friends was the only way to decorate.

9. You didn't mind drinking Tesco value vodka as it usually came hand in hand with a rocking house party.

10. The food machine in the common room at school could cure even the worst of days.


Sunday, 2 March 2014

Time to spring

My least favourite months of the year are finally over, goodbye January and February. I won't miss you at all.

Not that I've had an awful couple of months or anything, I just think they're bloody miserable months.

Everyone is skint, the weather is totes rubbish, you keep dreaming of days when you wont need to wear your massive duvet coat, the shops have summer clothes in that you cant wear yet anyway, and they just seem to go on forever. And ever. And ever!

But now it is March, and I feel like Spring has sprung. Wahoo! I marked the occasion by taking my new neon bright handbag for its first outing last night. It was pretty special.

I remember a time a few years ago, when I was so disconnected from the seasons. I didn't care what month it was, or what the weather was like, as it didn't make me feel any better or worse.

It felt like I was almost on a different planet or something. In fact, I distinctly remember writing a blog one day about how much I hated summer, because I felt like it should make me feel better, but I was completely immune to it.

How grateful I am to be out of that place.

And although I dislike January and February, I'm still glad that they are part of the year. I've taught myself to try and enjoy parts of the winter, because if there was no winter, I wouldn't appreciate the magic of spring.

The dark and cold season has to exist, in order for everything to come to life once again.

Could be a metaphor for my life really. My illness took me to the darkest, most lonely place, in order for me to be brought slowly back into the light. If that makes sense. It does in my head anyway.

And the comforting thing is about the seasons, is that you know that their change is a certainty.

One day the temperature will rise, the days will get longer, the daffodils will fight against the frost, and suddenly, before you realise, winter has ended.

It is pretty darn magical when you think about it. Magical and mysterious. I'm so thankful for the new life and hope (because hope has to be there doesn't it? Especially when you think of those determined little flowers fighting against the cold, hoping against hope that they burst through and flourish...)  that spring brings with it.