Lots of whys

Waking up to a garden sprinkled with fairy dust is magical.
It opens your eyes to the stillness and beauty of the world.
As you can probably tell, I'm a big fan.

Waiting at the bus stop in the freezing cold is horrible.
The longer you wait the more angry you feel with the world.
As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan.

In other news, I had a productive morning discussing and dissecting (not literally) Henry IV pt 1 with my old pals at the W.E.A.

And a rather less productive afternoon, where I seemed to get more and more frustrated with some  group members.

Why do some people love the sound of their own voice? Why are some people so narrow minded? Why are some people so insistent on putting others down? Why do some people have to be the teachers pet? Why do others always have to have the last word? Why do some people always think they're right? Why why why??

Oh, how I had to resist the urge to poke them in the eye.

I probably should feel a little bit bad about having a moan, but only 3 out of the 25 members of the group bother to speak to me, so I don't really care. The others are obviously so dazzled with my wit and intellect that they cant bare to speak to me. Yeah. I'll try and convince myself that's the reason, and they're not just miserable old bats who don't like a younger person in the group...

Hmmm...this could turn into an interesting bit of writing about ageism or groups. Or ageism and groups....

 But I don't think it will just now, I can't really be bothered... I'm not going to get my knickers in a twist about it. Instead, I will take Mr B's advice, and just chill...

xxx

reaching across continents

Hello to my new readers in Saudi Arabia and Taiwan.

Its lovely to know that my blog is still reaching people all across the world! In fact, at the last count of my statistics I think my blog had readership in over 20 countries, and that included 5 continents. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for that sixth continent though. Some isolated arctic explorer may find my words comforting. You never know....



A friend took this photo today and added the caption :)

Anywho, I'm a very sleepy girl tonight and so I don't think I'll be writing much more....

At the moment my evenings are spent getting increasingly frustrated with my TV. Sometimes it has signal, sometimes it doesn't.

There is no logic, rhyme or reason.

 I used to think it didn't work when it rained (which in England, is pretty much all the time) but it also doesn't like wind or dense cloud. Not sure either whether its the actual TV that's breaking, or the aerial or the separate digital box.

But I categorically refuse to get rid of my TV as it still plays videos, and as you might already know, I cant stop buying video bargains in charity shops. Its an addiction. And as it does still play videos with good picture and sound then maybe its the little box that's gone wonky or something. Hmm.

My TV also has great sentimental value as it was an 18th birthday present from my group of friends at school. It was around the time when DVD's were just coming out but Laura (who was the group organiser and my bezzie pal) knew that I was against DVD's and so she kindly chose one with video.

You may ask why I was against DVD's.

And I would answer...

But I can't remember.

I felt pretty strongly about it though. It must of been a really good reason....

So lets all keep our fingers crossed for my ever so slightly retro TV working tonight. I need another dose of mindless entertainment, and ITV is sure to provide that for me.....

xxx

the next moira stuart

Rain rain go away, come again another day.

(Or preferably, never.)

I can't even watch the news anymore because the floods are scaring me so much.

Oh the joys of having an overactive imagination.

In other news, tomorrow will be my debut as a hard hitting journalist. That's right, I'm doing an interview. I've got a Dictaphone and everything. I will be the correspondant from Bath, reporting on something about nothing probably.

Well, that's kind of true anyway. I have to prepare an interview for my media writing course. The only questions I can come up with so far aren't exactly headline grabbers. For example, what do you like for breakfast? Or, which colour socks do you prefer wearing?

Nevermind. I may have a flash of brilliance on the bus ride tomorrow.

We can only live in hope.

xxx

"food in my belly and a license for my telly"

Whilst my toast was toasting this morning, a cheery little tune came flying out of the radio and straight into my ears. The music lept around in my brain, chasing the black dog away and making my endorphins bounce about. Then it zipped its way down to the tips of my toes and before I knew it I was dancing around the kitchen. My arms were swinging, my legs were kicking, my bum was shaking, and of course I was singing at the top of my voice.

The tune is magic, the lyrics are ace, and the memory is fabulous.

Enjoy.

p.s highlighted some of my favourite lines, just in case I forget...

Pencil Full Of Lead, Paulo Nutini

I got a sheet for my bed,
And a pillow for my head
I got a pencil full of lead,
And some water for my throat
I've got buttons for my coat; and sails on my boat
So much more than I needed before
I got money in the meter and a two bar heater
Now it's getting hotter;
Oh it's only getting sweeter
I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair
Pot and a pan
And some shoes on my feet;
I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth
A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock
I got food in my belly and a license for my telly
And nothing's going to bring me down
I got a nice guitar and tyres on my car
I got most of the means; and scripts for the scenes
I'm out and about, so I'm in with a shout
I got a fair bit of chat but better than that
Food in my belly and a license for my telly
And nothing's going to bring me down
Nothing's going to bring me down

But best of all (best of all)
I've got my babyhe's mighty fine and says he's all mine

And nothing's going to bring me down
Best of all
I've got my baby
he's mighty fine and says he's all mine
And nothing's going to bring me down
Not today, no, no

xxxxx

A few distractions

Half watching Blood Diamond and loving Leo's s South African accent (although its not as good as my Botswana accent.....) and half distracting myself in any way possible as I have just remembered how traumatising this film is. I don't want to have any nightmares tonight.

Some people find horror movies scary, but for me, it's any film that's based on a true story. That's where the real horror lies. And those stories need to be seen and heard, i dont dispute that. It's important and necessary. But the pain and fear shown through the eyes of the oppressed always haunt me.

Anyway, I've got a bit distracted there.....I'm a bit of a sleepy girl who has a belly full of cheese free pizza. Which is, for the record, a lot tastier than it sounds.

The rain continues to pour down here in Bristol, and I've been getting fed up of reaching for my wellies and boring anorak everyday. I'm also getting increasingly bored of waiting for buses.

I get two buses on a Monday, two on a Tuesday, two on Wednesday, four on Thursday, and one on Friday. If my average wait for every bus is 15 minutes ( and quite frankly I am being very kind and generous there as its sometimes half an hour)....so 15x11 is 165.... And that works out at 2 hours 35 minutes?!?! Is that right? It just took me far too long to work that out. Flipping heck. That's a lot of wasted time. I must think of how I could use this productively. Perhaps invent something super duper...or begin writing that novel that's hiding inside me somewhere....

Xxxx

routine, I do like you

Last night I was feeling decidedly waterlogged, wind swept and generally sorry for myself, so I decided against writing anything and snuggled up in bed instead. It was the best decision I'd made all day.

My life is definitely a lot busier these days....

This time last year I used to spend an awful lot of time just kind of sitting. Existing. Looking out of windows. I didn't do much doing. I didn't have the energy. Or the motivation. Or the strength. My body and mind were healing, and I just had to go along with it. But now, now I'm kind of living....!

Actually its amazing  how I've gradually built up my energy levels.

This is how my week looks :

Monday morning : work on own art, afternoon: Virginia Woolf course
Tuesday morning: media writing course, afternoon: speaking in groups course
Wednesday morning: tiny monuments art group, afternoon : this is supposed to be when I go to the gym...
Thursday morning: Shakespeare course, afternoon: 1930's literature course
Friday morning: time for sleeps, afternoon : breathing space art group

Oh I do like my routine. So much so that I have this all written out on a little timetable upstairs. Its rather satisfying. But perhaps you wont feel quite the same, after all, I haven't included my very important snack breaks which are highlighted in orange........that definitely makes it more enjoyable....!

xxx

pen problems....

Spent the afternoon working on some doodle/picture ideas for a new project idea that I'm part of....(more details to follow when I have the energy to write about it....sorry, I'm feeling lazy tonight....)

Anyway, I was thoroughly enjoying having a little creative spurt, until my flipping pen ran out. I only bought it 2 days ago!

Shocking I know.

Quite frankly I am appalled.

WH Smith have robbed me of £1.99. I'll never see that again.

And WH Smith will never see my money again.

Pah!

Tempted to rifle through my rubbish bin to find the receipt, take the pen back and demand a refund.

But I don't want to look like a weirdo.

Or a moaning minnie.

Or even worse, one of those annoying customers that were once a daily part of my life....

xxx

lets push things forward...

A slightly strange afternoon that left me feeling rather deflated and my confidence a little bit knocked.

However, I am trying my best not to let it effect my day tomorrow....or the next day...or the day after that.

I don't want the bad feelings to burrow under my skin. They have the ability to fester and make a nasty little nest in my brain. And I really don't want them to.

Tomorrow is a new day.

xxx

Love, hope, thankfulness

Well, its that time of year again, and as much as many of us want to ignore it, Christmas is being flung at us from every direction.

The town lights have been switched on, the adverts have started, the festive tunes are beginning to blast out of the radio and shops have had a Christmas make over.

Red and gold, 3 for 2, half price, glitter and gold, especially for you.

I cant remember much about December 2011, or December 2010. Or even a couple of years preceding that....

Christmas was never the same for me after my Grandpa died, he was always my Father Christmas. He used to get so excited when December came around. Each year he would get his ancient Christmas tree out and perform minor surgery on the Angel Gabriel. He loved having the family altogether. Jim Reeves tunes would be played on repeat and for Grandpa, there was nothing more glorious than his beloved Christmas pudding and custard.

Gramps passed away 7 years ago last week, and as much as I still miss him, this was the first year that I forgot to mark the day. I remembered it yesterday and felt a wave of guilt....but then I decided to turn that guilt around....

Because you see, I have decided that this Christmas is going to be different. I will not be a zombie. I will not be on autopilot. I will not be numb. Instead, I'm going to make the most of each moment.

Instead of mourning the past, and missing all that Christmas used to be, I'm going to make new memories. And I know that this is what Grandpa would want, and now I'm finally in a place where I can do that.

This may not make much sense and writing about Christmas can often be so cheesy. And  I'm lactose intolerant so I hope its not too cheese filled.  I'm having trouble expressing what I need to now, my head is getting a bit muddled, and again I'm conscious of  writing what I want to say in the wrong way. Ooh silly brain. Try again Susie.

Love. Hope. Thankfulness.
That's my Christmas.
And I'm going to try my best to pass it on.

xxxxx

3 word Thursday

Because I'm an old lady geek (as you already know) Radio 2 is a constant feature in my day.... On Simon Mayo's show, he likes listeners to text in with their '3 word Thursday' (or Wednesdays or whatever....)

 One man texted tonight saying "sausage casserole in." I sincerely hope he meant in the oven, cant think where else you would put it really.

Anyway,  because I'm writing this in a little bit of a rush here are a collection of my ' 3 word Thursdays'....

Hen emails sent...

Christmas song excitement...

Telly alive again...

Time for Corrie...

xxx

small thoughts, big ideas?

Not sure what to write about tonight.

My head is full of questions and ideas.

Buzzing brain cells. Nervous neurones.

Questions and ideas don't even seem to be the rights words to use when describing the patterns in my mind. My thoughts seem more complex than just those two small words.

I need to either focus in on something or try and switch off my brain altogether.

Hmm...

Switching off seems most appealing but not sure if I'll be able to shut the other stuff up.

And maybe I dont want to shut it up, it might actually be good stuff. I could be on the edge of an incredible eureka moment.Or about to discover the mystery of the missing pens in my house.Now that would be pretty mind blowing....

xxx

good things

And so Monday rolls around again.......

I've had a really busy weekend, full of fun, but my social skills were kind of put to the test (in a good way, if tests can be good? Yes, yes, I think they can...)...My brain needed a bit of a rest this morning and so I treated myself to a lie-in this morning. Delicious.

Turns out I'm going to have a busy summer too as I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for the second time! Completely suprised, honoured and so privileged. Marianne (bride to be in June) is one of my oldest friends. Our friendship is of the 3rd generation kind (how many people can say that?!) Our Dads were at Sunday school together, and our Grandparents were also good friends. Pretty cool bit of history I must say.

Feel like I'm becoming a bit of a wedding expert nowadays. So if in the future the job prospects aren't going well, wedding planner could definitely be on the agenda. Ha.

Its also amazing what has come out of these past 2 years. Marianne and I have always been good friends, but had lost touch for a little while. When Marianne found out I was suffering from depression she reached out and has been a fantastic support for me. Sometimes the most horrible of circumstances can have extrodinary positive outcomes, in so many different ways.

Maybe it sounds strange, but I'm glad that I've gone through this crazy journey of darkness and found the light.

It has made me the person I am today.

A person I actually like.

It has given me strength.

It has enabled old friendships to be rediscovered.

It has made me realise what the important things in life are.

It has shown me what love is.

What friendship is.

What hope is.

And the mad thing is, the black dog wants you to forget all those things, to drown them out, to tell you that you're disgusting, that life will never change, that nobody understands you, that you dont deserve friends, that you're weak and worthless....

In your face black dog

xxx

This time last year....

One of the perks of blogging is that you can scroll through your own archive of entries and see what you were up to this time last year.....

Reading through last November is like going for a ride on a rollercoaster. I'm up, I'm down, screaming one minute, laughing the next. How exhausting. And how grateful I am not to be on such a scary ride anymore. I never did like theme parks anyway, I was always the one waiting and holding everyones bags.

Its also interesting rereading some entries and thinking to myself, "Hmm, that's actually a good little bit of writing there Sooz..." I can't say I've experienced that feeling for a long time and I rather like it.

I can't remember whether I've mentioned it, but I've decided to have another few sessions of counselling over the next coming months. It kind of seemed the right time, because I know I'm making progress, but there are still things I don't like doing, or refuse to do.....and definitely some demons of the black dog variety that creep into my mind....I need to get rid of those. Or at least get them to shut up at the appropriate time.

Anyway, here's an exert from last November, which is both encouraging for me and I hope will be for other people too....


...Without my counselling, I don't even think I would be here, scary as it sounds. Its been the most helpful, mind changing, challenging and rewarding therapy I could hope for. A gift really. But, it sure does hurts. It really hurts. Every week my mind is mentally stretched and wrung out. Its uncomfortable and painful. I have to constantly dig through the mess and the darkness that my depression has covered  me in.

Its rather like when you realise you've dropped something valuable in the rubbish bin, and have to go scratching around for it. First you're so careful, not wanting to get anything slimy on your hands. Then you smell something suspicious, and think, gross, it cant be in here, and shut the lid quickly. But you have to go back, you've looked all over the house, and still cant find what you're looking for. So you gingerly poke a few bits of rubbish around, again, not enjoying this grim and dirty task. Soon you realise its no good, you've got bits of crusty baked beans on your fingers anyway, so you may as well have a proper rummage. Old banana skins, orange cartons and mouldy bread are flying out of the bin now at a rate of knots, and somehow, you've got used to the smell and the slime. Because, at last, nestled at the bottom of the bin, hiding in a dark corner, is the item you've been looking for all this time! Hurrah!

That's what its like. That's what counselling is all about. I have to keep holding onto those hurrah moments as I search through the rubbish...

xxx

headaches are such a...headache?

Woke up this morning with a headache again. How very irksome. Ummed and arrred about going into Bristol for my courses.

Got up and the world started spinning.

Went back to bed.

Got up again to try and go to my afternoon course.

Each bit of sunlight seemed to pierce into my brain.

Very painful.

Felt guilty for not going.

 Sat in a dark room.

 Daddy Pig told me not to feel guilty, that it was in fact, false guilt.

Sat in a dark room some more.

Drank some diet coke.

 I hate headaches. They stop me from doing anything.

 Drank some more diet coke.

Its pretty much gone now, and I've had a lovely evening, but still feel a bit wonky in my head.

4 years ago, or is it 5...I think it might be 5 actually...anyway, 5 years ago I had viral meningitis, and I swear that after that illness I've suffered from these debilitating headaches and migraines. I'm not a medical boffin (obviously) but it just seems too much of a coincidence. I never used to get them before the viral meningitis....but since then they seem to feature quite frequently in my life (and I promise its not just a permanent hangover!)

They also seem to crop up when my anxiety has been a bit on the fraught side. Or the black dog is barking, trying to weasel its way into my brain.

Sorry for the moan. But if I can't moan on here, where can I?

xxx

click here like/dislike...

A stuffed belly full of pasta goodness. Like.

A horrible headache that refuses to budge. Dislike.

Wearing my snazzy Christmas pyjamas for the first time this year. Majorly like.

Having to get up tomorrow before 8am for the fourth day running (I know nearly everyone has to do this, but I really really hate it.) Massively dislike.

That is all.

xxx

exciting new things

I'm sat here waiting for my lift to stitch and bitch, so this entry may end a little abruptly...

We don't bitch at stitch and bitch, and I don't do that much stitchi....

...Yes well, that was last nights attempt at blogging, and as I suspected it ended before I could finish my sentence!

But today has been a new day, and a good day too.

I've started yet another course, this one is run through Bath College and its really rather good. Its all about writing, and although that sounds vague, its helping me to have a bit more focus.

Its also inspired me to add a few more bells and whistles onto this site.

There is now a lovely helpful search box to the right -------->

So if you wanted to look at what my experiences are of panic attacks for example, just type it in the box, and hey presto it magically produces the entries when I've written about panic attacks. Or perhaps you want to know more about my love of shoes, or diet coke, just type it in and all will be revealed.

I've also added a second page, the 'Gallery' (ha, my own gallery, how posh that sounds!) Its very basic at the moment, but if you fancy looking at some of my work, or some things that inspire me, have a little browse on that page.

But for now, I must get back to my cleaning. Oh joy. Although I seem to have diverted myself from cleaning and I'm doing more clearing out, which I actually love. Chucking away things, discovering some gems in the bottom of handbags and drawers (so far I've found a vimto lolly and 10 euros...who knows whats next!) I've also rediscovered my amazing fingerless gloves, which make me feel like Fagin...cheerio but be back soon!!

xxx

another part of the puzzle

Oh dear, naughty Susie had too much wine on Friday and had a bit of a hangover yesterday, whoops. Headache central.

I like to try and insist my hangovers are worse because of the medication I'm on....but I don't think anyone is convinced really...

Generally I know when to stop pouring wine down my throat, but Friday seemed to be a bit of a fun exception, and I got a little carried away...(loved every minute though, he he.)

But generally speaking, alcohol and depression aren't the best combination. And I've learnt that the hard way.

It can seem like a quick fix, an easy way to block out your pain, distract you, numb you. Unfortunately, it soon can have a much bigger hold over you than you can imagine.

I don't want to sound too dramatic here, I'm not a recovering alcoholic and I'm not tee-total. I can only write about my own experiences, yours are probably different. I'm just someone with a naturally addictive personality, and alcohol consumption is something I have to be aware of. Its not something I used to be aware of...but since last September, I kind of tuned into what my psychiatrist told me, which was along these lines....

"Susanna, when you drink alcohol your medication does not work. If you want to get better you need to cut down your alcohol consumption."

Now, I wasn't drinking vodka with my morning coco pops or anything, in fact, I didn't even really think I was drinking too much at all. Maybe that was part of the problem. It had become another habit, a way to unwind and relax a bit, take the edge off my black mood.

However, I decided to listen to my psychiatrist, I wanted to give my medication the best chance of working in my brain. I cut out drinking on weekdays. Perhaps not a massive deal to some people, and I can't say I always stick to it. But I can say that its helped me, and its obvious to me that my medication was given the chance to work properly.

I'm not really sure how I got talking about this tonight. It all sounds very serious and I don't want to lecture anyone. Yuk how gross, I hate when people tell me what to do. I guess its all about mindfulness, being self aware. Knowing your own mind and body and what is best for them in the long old run of life.

And of course, I still smoke like a trooper, I still have my vices. 'Fag ash Lil' is my Dads fond name for me. A disgusting habit I know, but at the moment its still a necessity in my life. It helps me, and I know I won't smoke forever, I will give up when I'm stronger. Promise.

So apologies if this does sound like I'm preaching, that wasn't my intention at all.... Please don't whip my pint glass out of my hand when you see me in the pub, that's not my intention either! I'm just wittering, as usual, about another part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my brain......

xxx

short but sweet

Lemon chicken in the oven and I need to get myself ready for an evening of wine and gossip at the pub.....

Went back to counselling today after a 5 month break....tough but worthwhile...

I have been laughing so much at my art class this afternoon that I think I've run out of jokes.

Finger painting is amazingly fun. Do it now!

xxx

top banana

What a difference a day makes.

My lists are made.

I've ticked some things off.

Done some work on my latest painting and generally had space for Susie.

Mr B has been making me laugh and looking after me... (some fabulous duet singing earlier and he made me potato croquets for tea, delish.)

Oh and together with your help I now have over 44,000 hits! Thank you so much for your continued support lovely readers.

There really are some truely top bananas out there :)

xxx