2012 highlights....

Facebook keeps on telling me to 'share' my review of the year in order to have a look at my highlights of 2012. But I've decided to ignore this, and think of a few of my own.....

• My best friend Laura getting engaged in Feb, whoop!
• And then being asked to be her Maid of Honour  (hopefully not dishonour....!)
• Enjoying my 26th birthday, and not being a grumpy chops about it.
• Managing to get out of bed at 8am on four consecutive days each week (well, nearly each week...)
• Going on holiday to Portugal, being brave and going on a plane and generally having oodles of fun in the sun
• Celebrating the Queens Jubilee and managing to say at least 20 times a day, "I've met HRH don't you know."
• Going to two amazing weddings and managing to have a great time without getting absolutely sozzled.
• Pretty much sticking to my rule of only drinking alcohol at the weekend.
• Getting asked to be bridesmaid for another bestie pal next year.
• Meeting Mr B (this should really be at the start of the list, he is such a top banana.)
• Seeing my sisters health improve and get a new job.
• Waking up with a lemon in my handbag
• Trying on the crown jewls (almost) and being a bit crazy in the tower of London with my adopted American sister Kat.
• Joining two new art groups.
• Making new friends and being totally overwhelmed at their courage and bravery in battling mental health illnesses.
• Living on my own for 8 weeks in the summer, and seeing my confidence levels gain hugely. Yay me.
• Laughing, smiling, and hugging all my super duper friends. I would be lost without you all.
• Knowing that the adoption process that my cousin Ruth is going through in Thailand with Neung is going well, and they may be here this time next year, whoop!
• Being welcomed into Mr B's family with so much warmth, love and understanding.
• Having a lovely holiday in Dartmouth with Mama and Papa Pig in September.
• Despite a few ups and downs, managing to enjoy Christmas for the first time in yonks.

Well....that was a longer list than I expected, cheers to that nuggets!

Much love and the warmest blessings for 2013 to you all

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

30th december, lets just erase it!

So its New Years Eve Eve, and I cant seem to shake off the dark cloud hanging over my head today.

"Cheer up!" says one person.

"Remember all the things you have to be grateful for!" says another.

People, please take note, these are possibly some of the worst things you can say to anyone who suffers from depression. Mainly because I would like to cheer up, but today its just too far to reach. Also remembering all the good things in my life, just makes me feel even worse for being so low. It just makes me feel guilty.

So I just have to go with it.

Have some space, smoke some cigarettes, eat a few twiglets and just be me.

On the plus side, Christmas seems to be one of the only times of the year when its acceptable to go for a nap any time of day. I'm taking full advantage of this yuletide pleasure and I've already had 2 naps today....

 The fact that the New Year is slowly creeping up on me isn't helping my brain at the mo. Its never been my favourite celebration, and the black dog likes to use it to remind me of all the things that I still can't do, or haven't achieved. Sneaky bastard.

xxx

Doggie doo hilarity

BOOMSHAKALAKA!!!

We've hit 48,000 hits my lovely nuggets!! Merci merci to all!

And for now, Au revoir!

..............

Ha ha only joking, I'm sure I can think of something else interesting to write about tonight....

Like how my belly is hurting...and my head....

Although the head hurt is kind of self inflicted from over indulgence on the wine, so I have no-one to blame but myself. And Mr B for topping up my glass....

Why is it that sometimes I can drink alcohol all night long and the next day I feel fine, but sometimes just 3 glasses of wine give me a stonking headache? I will never understand. Its a mystery that no lesson can be learnt from, and frankly makes my head hurt even more.

But I must dash, because I need to go and play my new favourite game. Its highly intellectual and requires expert skill and precision.

No its not chess, not even scrabble (although I am quite a fan.) No, this game is on a whole different level.

If you need to smile today, get online and buy Doggie Doo immediately.

Guaranteed laughter.

xxx

I want to be in the light

Anyone else having trouble remembering what day it is at the moment? Christmas day always muddles my mind, and the days of the week seem very jumbled up.

I guess it doesn't reallllllly matter in the grand scheme of life, so I shall move on.

However, it is a reflection of how I'm not in my little routine at the moment, and I do miss it.

My brain likes routine. It is comforting and I feel much more in control of my life. And so when any holiday time approaches, I feel a bit weird and wonky. I need to get over it I know. Perhaps making up a holiday routine should be my new approach....or something....maybe...

Anywho...

There is a song that I'm a bit obsessed with at the moment.

Like, I play it on repeat approximatly 10 times a day.

The neighbours are yet to complain though, so I think its OK.

I think I shall share it with you all.

Because the words are pretty ace.

They remind me how much I want to stay in the LIGHT.

To keep on fighting against the darkness of depression and the black dog.

Black dog loves turning my light off and leaving me to flounder around hopelessly looking for the switch.

Listening to this song reminds me that I will always be able to find the light again, no matter how dark things are. At one point I didn't even believe in the light. Its been a crazy journey.

xxx

Merry Messy Christmas

I'm really struggling what to write this evening....

Should it be something heartfelt and perhaps a little bit sentimental? As its Christmas eve and all....

Or perhaps a witty story to make you all chuckle.

Maybe even a reflective passage, remembering those who are alone or in pain this Christmas.

Too much choice for Susie. Oh well, I shall have to just verbally dribble over you all instead.

But... Why do I put these pressures on myself?? To write a really good blog entry. Or make the best roast potatoes. Or to make sure everyone else is happy and OK, leaving my own needs to one side...

I tell you what, these pressures send me crazy sometimes. And its all in my own head. Not from anywhere else. Well, sometimes I think its from other places or people but that's usually just me being paranoid. Whoops.

Its so silly. Because I cant make everyone better or make everything go perfectly. Its out of my control. And the world would probably be a bit boring if it was perfect. (It would be really tidy though which would make me very happy...)

Christmas gets messy, people get stressed, upset, tired, ill... clothes get dirty, presents get lost, drinks get spilt, but it doesn't really matter. I expect the first Christmas wasnt very perfect. Mary probably was about to slap Joseph in the face for making her pop out a baby in a stinky stable. Joseph was probably covered in blood and gunk after delievering the baby. And the little baby Jesus, well, I bet he was freezing in that manger, and all that straw probably gave him hayfever for life. But it didn't matter. Amongst all the shit, a shining light came into the world.

So I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Messy Christmas.

Lets throw wrapping paper around every room,
May someone drop a glass (preferably plastic),
May the napkins catch fire (harming no-one),
And may you forget to buy batteries for the new toys.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

conversations with myself

No blogging for the past 2 days because I've been far too busy being busy.

Or something.

Maybe.

Or not really.

I've just been having quite a lot of fun actually. Which is good.

Jolly good really.

Went to see Nativity 2 (the film, there isn't a Biblical sequel or anything...)

Then had went to the big cathedral in Wells for carols by candlelight. Pretty darn spectacular. Especially as I was at the end of a row so I didnt feel squeezed in or claustrophobic. Bonus.

 And then...then I did something else fun...I think...

Oh no...I cleaned the kitchen actually.

That wasnt very fun. Mostly just really dirty and smelly....

But I dont want this to be just a list of what I've been doing.

Cuz that can get a bit dull. Although, in all honesty, I can make the most boring of activities sound exciting...

Like today when I went to investigate the skeleton at the bottom of the garden.

Yeh. That was exciting.

In a kind of morbid circle of life kind of way.

Oh and it wasnt a human skeleton, so dont worry.

There is also a funny story about me chasing dogs and deer in the garden...but I think I'll have to save that...

And then waking up to find a lemon in my handbag this morning...that was kind of strange....

Hmm. Yes.

Am I having a conversation with myself this evening?

I think so.

Had a bit of a blip last night...

I had to run out of a nightclub because I was so claustrophobic and I could feel a panic attack coming on.

Oh it was gross.

And I was so annoyed with myself.

Stupid anxiety.

But I think I feel OK now.

I did the right thing.

Yes. Yes I did.

Think I'm going to stop wittering to myself now, bed is calling.

Defo.

Night Susie.

Night

xxx

Revisiting Bits and Pieces

              
As the season of goodwill is upon us, I've been thinking about friendship, love, and all those warm and fuzzy feelings that Christmas reminds us about. I've been contemplating the many people that have come in and out of my life.

Some good, some bad, but many who don't and wont ever realise the impact they may have had on my life. I'm pretty certain that my friends and family know just how much I love them, but what about everyone else?

What about my first art teacher who introduced me to Picasso? Or the lady on the bus that made me laugh when I was having a bad day? The girl at school who used to pick on me. The boy at school I used to pick on...Where are they? Do they know?

It might be because I haven't seen them for 15 years.

It might be because I fell out with them.

It might be because I've never met them.

And so, as I did way back in February 2011, I'm going to quote one of my favourite poems.

This poem was introduced to me in 2008 at the end of a very memorable summer, working on Camp Alta Mons, Virginia. 

 Apologies, I cant remember the authors name....

Bits and Pieces 

People.
People important to you, people unimportant to you,
Cross your life,touch it with love and carelessness and move on.

There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of relief,
and you wonder why you ever came into contact with them.
There are people who leave and you breathe a sigh of remorse,
and you wonder why they had to go away and leave a gaping hole.

Children leave parents, friends leave friends.
Acquaintances move on.
People change homes.
People grow apart.
Enemies hate and move on.
Friends love and move on.

You think of the many who have moved into hazy memory.
You look on those in the present and wonder.

You find you are made up of Bits and Pieces of all who have touched your life,
and you are more because of it,
and you would be less if they had not touched you.

I pray that you accept the Bits and Pieces in humility and wonder,
and never question
and never regret.
Bits and pieces,
Bits and pieces.

xxx

Susanna's Christmas Wish

Oh me oh my, oh look what I found......

Yes, that's right, a book with my name on it, and a very apt title for this time of year too. But that's not all,  because heres the synopsis.....


"Fans will be delighted by this peek at an Amish Christmas, complete with the romantic wish of Susanna Byler to spend the holidays with the man of her dreams. But who is the man of her dreams? Is it the competent but plain Amish man she married for convenience....or is it her first love -- an Englishman with whom she has recently had an unexpected encounter -- and who wants her back in his life?"

I think myself and Susanna Byler are one and the same person.

Ha, just kidding folks. Thankfully I havent married a plain Amish man.

But it did make me laugh as I have a strange fascination with Amish people. When I was in America I even bought a special book about them. Its a great read. Honestly...

Let me know if you want to borrow it. Its probably on a par with 'Susanna's Christmas Wish'....

xxx

am I a bad panda?

I know I say this a LOT... but I still can't quite believe people are STILL reading my witherings on here. I had over 200 hits today. That's nuts!

You guys are ALL very very lovely.

Sending each and everyone of you a virtual HUG.

If by reading this just one person feels a little bit less alone, a little less numb, then I'll ALWAYS keep on writing. And if by reading this people are getting more used to talking about mental health then its all worthwhile stuff.

Thank YOU.

Right now though, I'm getting my knickers in a right old twist. I've got to finish my Christmas shopping tomorrow, ARGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Stress city.

I have my list. I have the names of the 3 shops I need to visit. I just need to get up and GO.

But a certain person has just asked me to go to the post office whilst I'm in town and now my plan is all squewif. Cuz I can't say no because that would make me a bad panda. So I hinted that I'm a bit anxious about it all and I'm on kind of a strict mission with no distractions. It didn't go down well...

 Curses. What to do. I don't want to be selfish. But I can only cope with so much. I just find it so difficult when I make a plan and then I have to change or adjust it. Susie's anxious brain does not like change. Yuk.

Think I'll go and have a fag and mull it all over....and hopefully untwist my knickers....

xxx

its all a bit blah tonight

Totally and utterly uninspired tonight.

Probably because I've been cleaning all day. Very dull.

I need to hear a melody with lyrics that make me want to change the world.

I want to see a sunset that makes me want to paint it immediately.

I need to see a picture that turns my mind inside out.


xxx

what are YOU doing tonight?

Through my superduper telepathic powers I reckon you (yes YOU dear reader) are experiencing (or have recently experienced) one of the following.....

a) watching sports personality of the year and wishing that Andy Murray had cracked a smile (I bet his Mum Judy wasn't feeling so proud tonight when she saw her Mr Grumpy Chops on the box.)


b) just put up your Christmas tree, and uploaded a photo of it to facebook, because, like, flipping heck, yours is the best Christmas tree in the WORLD and all the sparkly lights make you feel SO CHRISTMASSY

c) you're massively hungover after your work Christmas party last night and are a little bit worried about facing your colleagues tomorrow

d) panicking about all the Christmas presents you've still got to buy (or is that just me, and the rest of the world is weirdly organised?)

OR

e) you have been caught out by the current coughing/sneezing/sore throat/ vomiting bug...And you're lying in bed wishing that you could watch the sports personality of the year whilst decorating the Christmas tree with a hangover and panic about the gift buying...


As for me, I'm kind of somewhere between d and e, a bit panicky , and a bit poorly!

xxx

body and mind pains

Oh my arm, my arm!

My arm really hurts.

Flu jabs are painful.



Oh my brain, my brain.

My brain really hurts.

Going to counselling was painful.



Too tired and sleepy to moan about anything else.

xxx

Oh no you didn't! Oh yes I did!

A slightly later than usual entry this evening, as I have just got back from the Panto!!

Yes that's right, after about 3 years of staying away from the theatre, I took a giant leap tonight and had the time of my life!

I love everything about the theatre. The costumes, the storylines, the music, the dancing, but most of all being transported to another world.

Now I know the Panto isn't high brow theatre stuff, but I bloody loved it. Good old fashioned fun. A man in drag, some cheesy songs, a reworking of gangman style (Wishee Washee style...) and of course the obligatory z list celeb whose acting skills amount to nil. What more could you possibly ask for?

I've stayed away from the theatre for so long because I hate being in places where I feel trapped. So sitting in the middle of an auditorium surrounded by crowds of people isn't really the best. Luckily for me, the brilliant Mr B got me a seat at the end of an aisle, so I knew I could make a quick escape if I needed to. But I didn't! Hurrah!

Susie 1 Black Dog 0

(Picture me sticking out my tongue and blowing a big fat rasperry at the black dog, right about now! Haha)
xxx

pom poms are ACE

Did anyone else start to clean their bedroom today and end up making woollen pom poms all afternoon? Nope? Just me then.....

I have decided that pom poms are my new favourite Christmas decoration. And they are a great way to use up all my random coloured bits of wool left at the bottom of my knitting bag. They're just like baubles but without the danger of breakage, or the nice shiny sheen that baubles have....But pom poms are homemade, and they are also have a pretty retro look about them. Which baubles don't have.Yeah. Pom poms rock.

 As do my homemade paper chains. Daddy Pig asked me if I wanted to use the guillotine to make them nice and straight, to which I replied,

"Nahhhh, I'm not bothered about things like that Daddy Pig. These are rustic!".... And look like my 4 year old nephew made them...

I must go and tidy up the mess that I made in the process actually. Which kind of made my room twice as messy as it was in the beginning. Curses. Oh well, I cannot control my creative urges or instincts.

When you can feel the creative juices flowing round your body, you just have to go for it. Forget about everything else, and get lost in a world of pom poms and paint (or something similar...)

My creativity is my saviour really... (even though what I do it not very good, it doesn't matter...Oh no I shouldn't say that, that's the black dog getting in my head!)

Cuz actually my little arty farty funny world is a good place for me to be. I like it.

Although tomorrow I'm supposed to be taking one of my paintings to my art group....and I may have to accidentally on purpose forget it....Bit scary showing other people my work...I should take it though. I know it will help me. And I don't want to be that woman who buried herself under a bushel, or whatever that parable was.....

xxxx

Fingerless gloves and other things

Anyone else feel like Fagin  when they wear fingerless gloves?

I must admit its a character that I quite enjoy transforming into. And just by putting on these lack lustre imitations of cosy gloves.

 Its quite amazing what an effect they have on me. I feel like cooking sausages and going to live in my attic. They also make me do little jumpy Fagin skips around the house. Just as long as these fingerless gloves don't get tempted into pick pocketing, or make me have the urge to grow a beard....I think I'll be safe.

Anyhow, I was going to sleep last night and I was thinking of this AMAZING story I was going to write about today. I had all these amusing anecdotes up my sleeve. Laughter, tears, poignancy, this story had it all. I even had a brilliant punchline.

I just wish I could remember it!

xxx

Thank you

Back on the sofa in my pyjamas after a super duper lovely weekend in Manchester.

Highlights included the girls beating the boys on the wii,stuffing my face with chocolate cake and sausage rolls, doing an impromptu gang man style followed by fits of giggles....and generally laughing my socks off with my bestest buddies!

Lowlights included attempting to down a jäger bomb (and failing miserably) and a silly driver whacking into the side of Mr B's car on the way home.....

I don't want to be too much of a drama queen, but it was pretty scary. Luckily Mr B and I are safe and sound, and the car isn't badly damaged. But the sound of the banging cars still seems to be ringing in my ears. And the muppet who rammed into us said he was having a sneezing fit....Detective Piggott may have to be on the case again....

Anyway, there are those who will mock be,but I believe that angels were protecting us this afternoon. I always say a little prayer before a journey, and I thank God that he was listening to me today.

It reiterates what I've been trying to hold onto for the past year. To be thankful for every moment I'm given. To be grateful for every person in my life. To be blessed, yes blessed to have gone through the darkness of depression, because it makes the light shine even brighter.

Thank you

Xxx

I love you TOMORROW, its only a DAY AWAY!

I was just about to turn the computer off before bed, when I thought I should really write a tiny snippet...

My bags are packed and I'm ready for a weekend of fun in Manchester, wahoooo! Its going to be lovely catching up with some of my bestest buddies.

Mr B requested a musical selection for the journey, and so I have ransacked my CD collection and found some absolute classics. 100 hits of the 90's will definitely be making an appearance.

I've had a horrible headache on and off all week, so I'm hoping and praying that I wake up tomorrow feeling fresh as a daisy. As opposed to feeling like someone is constantly stabbing my forehead with a freshly sharpened HB pencil. Its a pain that paracetamol and ibrubrofen don't even seem to touch. Ouchy.

Must keep fingers and toes crossed for zero head hurt. Cuz tomorrow is gonna be a goooooooooood day :)

Anyway my last fag of the night is calling to me....(I know, I know, I can hear you all tutting accross the land, I'm a naughty girl. I promise I'll give up....one day....!)

xxx

its beginning to look a lot like christmas.....

WAHOOO!

The trees are up, the decorations are sparkling and the lights are twinkling from every corner of the house.

Mama Pig even let me decorate BOTH of the trees. Usually I am banished to my own little tree where I like to hang all the old sentimental decs up.

It does look a little bit like Christmas has thrown up all over the tree, but in a jolly way. In a, its so bad its good kind of way....

But I was actually allowed to have free reign over the main tree too this year. What an honour. And although it was tempting to go crazy with the baubles I stayed within the colour theme (silver and white) and I didn't dare to even whisper the word tinsel. Its forbidden in our house...

I also dug out my Grandpa's favourite Christmas tape, Jim Reeves, and had a good old sing song.

Last night I was feeling decidedly shitty, with my mind spiralling, and the horrible word of failure refusing to budge from my brain. Luckily Mr B saved the day.  He talked things through with me, and generally calmed me down, reassured me and put a smile back on my face. He really is a top banana.

However, this morning, the black dog was barking once more. I managed to go to my art group but afterwards came back with a splitting headache and went straight to sleep for an hour.

It was only after Mama suggested we raided the loft for the Christmas stuff that I began to feel better again.

This year is going to be different.

I know it.

xxx

keeping those peepers open



This is me tonight....

                                                           Sid James, 1959.

(Apparently, he used matchsticks to keep his eyes open in order for him to watch TV for hours on end......)

 

Well, if I was male, worked on the crazy 'Carry on' films and was alive 50 years ago.

So the fact that I'm female, not an actress, and alive in 2012 really doesn't make much difference.....

The point is,

I'm knackered.

I've got loads of stuff to do.

And all I want to do is snuggle up with Mr B and chill.

But instead I think I will be reaching for the matchsticks.....

xxx

Time to change

A better day, but still feeling a bit grotty.

Grotty in my body rather than my brain though, which is the lesser of the two evils.

I read an excellent article this morning as I munched my way through my 2 bowls of coco pops. Check out the link below. There are some scary statistics, which make me realise even more just how many people are suffering in silence.

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/tragic-deaths-that-demand-a-better-response-than-i-witnessed-8374130.html?origin=internalSearch

It also highlights the negative connotations that still surround mental illness.

From my own point of view, when I have to fill in certain medical forms, I hate ticking the box that says 'mental health problems'. Because I don't think I have a problem. The word problem makes you think of difficulty, something that's unsolvable, that's never going to change. And I don't like that label.

I don't mind 'mental illness' or 'mental health issues' that's fine and dandy. Its just that word 'problem' that I hate.

Nobody goes around saying to people with high blood pressure that they have a 'physical problem', so why should it be OK to label mental illness in the same way?

Just a little bit of food for thought for you on this cold and dull Monday evening....

xxx

Leroy the leopard vs black dog

The counter crossed over the 46,000 hits today ladies and gentleman! Thank you so much for your continued support, you're all such top bananas. Check out the fancy counter at the bottom of the page just incase you think I'm telling porkies about the amount of page views I get on here...!

I've had a lovely weekend but today I'm feeling proper beaky. Urrrrgh.

Yuk.

Headache, tummy ache and brain ache.

Yuk.

I hate to admit it but I'm sat here still festering in my pyjamas...

Black dog loves it when I feel poorly. He sees his opportunity to pounce as soon I start to wilt, and he begins whispering negative thoughts into my ear.

Bastard.

But black dog is yet to meet his nemesis and my new partner in crime, Leroy the Leopard...

Leroy is my new pal and I'm pretty sure he can kick black dogs ass. Its gonna be tough, but Leroy has some incredible jungle moves that will make black dog shudder with fear.

Leroy is also pretty good at giving me cuddles and reminding me that I'm not alone.

However if Leroy gets a bit sleepy (after all, he's been chasing after black dog all day) then I think the solution tonight is a hot bath and an early night....

xxx

Happy birthday Joshua!!

Last night I had a date with the waltzers and a hot pork bap. It was pretty special. Luckily I had the bap after my ride on the waltzers, otherwise the evening could of ended a lot less happily....

Today is my nephews fourth birthday, and I wish I could give him a big birthday cuddle. I rang him this morning and he sounded super excited, telling me he'd got "lotsh of preshentsh!" Bless him.

I just wish he'd got mine but the online gremlins at Amazon or the evil imps at the Royal Mail are holding it hostage. Which makes me more than a little but angry. Especially as I paid extra for it to be  delivered on the 27th November, thinking I'd allowed plenty of time for delays. Apparently not.

Those gremlins and imps better get their act together pronto else they'll have me to contend with.... And after years of dealing with angry customers I think it's about time someone else was on the receiving end...

Anyway.....

Even though he can't read or use a computer yet I would still like to wish my nephew Joshua a very happy birthday! You're a super special boy, and you always make me smile. Love you loads cheeky pants!

Xxxx

Lots of whys

Waking up to a garden sprinkled with fairy dust is magical.
It opens your eyes to the stillness and beauty of the world.
As you can probably tell, I'm a big fan.

Waiting at the bus stop in the freezing cold is horrible.
The longer you wait the more angry you feel with the world.
As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan.

In other news, I had a productive morning discussing and dissecting (not literally) Henry IV pt 1 with my old pals at the W.E.A.

And a rather less productive afternoon, where I seemed to get more and more frustrated with some  group members.

Why do some people love the sound of their own voice? Why are some people so narrow minded? Why are some people so insistent on putting others down? Why do some people have to be the teachers pet? Why do others always have to have the last word? Why do some people always think they're right? Why why why??

Oh, how I had to resist the urge to poke them in the eye.

I probably should feel a little bit bad about having a moan, but only 3 out of the 25 members of the group bother to speak to me, so I don't really care. The others are obviously so dazzled with my wit and intellect that they cant bare to speak to me. Yeah. I'll try and convince myself that's the reason, and they're not just miserable old bats who don't like a younger person in the group...

Hmmm...this could turn into an interesting bit of writing about ageism or groups. Or ageism and groups....

 But I don't think it will just now, I can't really be bothered... I'm not going to get my knickers in a twist about it. Instead, I will take Mr B's advice, and just chill...

xxx

reaching across continents

Hello to my new readers in Saudi Arabia and Taiwan.

Its lovely to know that my blog is still reaching people all across the world! In fact, at the last count of my statistics I think my blog had readership in over 20 countries, and that included 5 continents. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for that sixth continent though. Some isolated arctic explorer may find my words comforting. You never know....



A friend took this photo today and added the caption :)

Anywho, I'm a very sleepy girl tonight and so I don't think I'll be writing much more....

At the moment my evenings are spent getting increasingly frustrated with my TV. Sometimes it has signal, sometimes it doesn't.

There is no logic, rhyme or reason.

 I used to think it didn't work when it rained (which in England, is pretty much all the time) but it also doesn't like wind or dense cloud. Not sure either whether its the actual TV that's breaking, or the aerial or the separate digital box.

But I categorically refuse to get rid of my TV as it still plays videos, and as you might already know, I cant stop buying video bargains in charity shops. Its an addiction. And as it does still play videos with good picture and sound then maybe its the little box that's gone wonky or something. Hmm.

My TV also has great sentimental value as it was an 18th birthday present from my group of friends at school. It was around the time when DVD's were just coming out but Laura (who was the group organiser and my bezzie pal) knew that I was against DVD's and so she kindly chose one with video.

You may ask why I was against DVD's.

And I would answer...

But I can't remember.

I felt pretty strongly about it though. It must of been a really good reason....

So lets all keep our fingers crossed for my ever so slightly retro TV working tonight. I need another dose of mindless entertainment, and ITV is sure to provide that for me.....

xxx

the next moira stuart

Rain rain go away, come again another day.

(Or preferably, never.)

I can't even watch the news anymore because the floods are scaring me so much.

Oh the joys of having an overactive imagination.

In other news, tomorrow will be my debut as a hard hitting journalist. That's right, I'm doing an interview. I've got a Dictaphone and everything. I will be the correspondant from Bath, reporting on something about nothing probably.

Well, that's kind of true anyway. I have to prepare an interview for my media writing course. The only questions I can come up with so far aren't exactly headline grabbers. For example, what do you like for breakfast? Or, which colour socks do you prefer wearing?

Nevermind. I may have a flash of brilliance on the bus ride tomorrow.

We can only live in hope.

xxx

"food in my belly and a license for my telly"

Whilst my toast was toasting this morning, a cheery little tune came flying out of the radio and straight into my ears. The music lept around in my brain, chasing the black dog away and making my endorphins bounce about. Then it zipped its way down to the tips of my toes and before I knew it I was dancing around the kitchen. My arms were swinging, my legs were kicking, my bum was shaking, and of course I was singing at the top of my voice.

The tune is magic, the lyrics are ace, and the memory is fabulous.

Enjoy.

p.s highlighted some of my favourite lines, just in case I forget...

Pencil Full Of Lead, Paulo Nutini

I got a sheet for my bed,
And a pillow for my head
I got a pencil full of lead,
And some water for my throat
I've got buttons for my coat; and sails on my boat
So much more than I needed before
I got money in the meter and a two bar heater
Now it's getting hotter;
Oh it's only getting sweeter
I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair
Pot and a pan
And some shoes on my feet;
I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth
A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock
I got food in my belly and a license for my telly
And nothing's going to bring me down
I got a nice guitar and tyres on my car
I got most of the means; and scripts for the scenes
I'm out and about, so I'm in with a shout
I got a fair bit of chat but better than that
Food in my belly and a license for my telly
And nothing's going to bring me down
Nothing's going to bring me down

But best of all (best of all)
I've got my babyhe's mighty fine and says he's all mine

And nothing's going to bring me down
Best of all
I've got my baby
he's mighty fine and says he's all mine
And nothing's going to bring me down
Not today, no, no

xxxxx

A few distractions

Half watching Blood Diamond and loving Leo's s South African accent (although its not as good as my Botswana accent.....) and half distracting myself in any way possible as I have just remembered how traumatising this film is. I don't want to have any nightmares tonight.

Some people find horror movies scary, but for me, it's any film that's based on a true story. That's where the real horror lies. And those stories need to be seen and heard, i dont dispute that. It's important and necessary. But the pain and fear shown through the eyes of the oppressed always haunt me.

Anyway, I've got a bit distracted there.....I'm a bit of a sleepy girl who has a belly full of cheese free pizza. Which is, for the record, a lot tastier than it sounds.

The rain continues to pour down here in Bristol, and I've been getting fed up of reaching for my wellies and boring anorak everyday. I'm also getting increasingly bored of waiting for buses.

I get two buses on a Monday, two on a Tuesday, two on Wednesday, four on Thursday, and one on Friday. If my average wait for every bus is 15 minutes ( and quite frankly I am being very kind and generous there as its sometimes half an hour)....so 15x11 is 165.... And that works out at 2 hours 35 minutes?!?! Is that right? It just took me far too long to work that out. Flipping heck. That's a lot of wasted time. I must think of how I could use this productively. Perhaps invent something super duper...or begin writing that novel that's hiding inside me somewhere....

Xxxx

routine, I do like you

Last night I was feeling decidedly waterlogged, wind swept and generally sorry for myself, so I decided against writing anything and snuggled up in bed instead. It was the best decision I'd made all day.

My life is definitely a lot busier these days....

This time last year I used to spend an awful lot of time just kind of sitting. Existing. Looking out of windows. I didn't do much doing. I didn't have the energy. Or the motivation. Or the strength. My body and mind were healing, and I just had to go along with it. But now, now I'm kind of living....!

Actually its amazing  how I've gradually built up my energy levels.

This is how my week looks :

Monday morning : work on own art, afternoon: Virginia Woolf course
Tuesday morning: media writing course, afternoon: speaking in groups course
Wednesday morning: tiny monuments art group, afternoon : this is supposed to be when I go to the gym...
Thursday morning: Shakespeare course, afternoon: 1930's literature course
Friday morning: time for sleeps, afternoon : breathing space art group

Oh I do like my routine. So much so that I have this all written out on a little timetable upstairs. Its rather satisfying. But perhaps you wont feel quite the same, after all, I haven't included my very important snack breaks which are highlighted in orange........that definitely makes it more enjoyable....!

xxx

pen problems....

Spent the afternoon working on some doodle/picture ideas for a new project idea that I'm part of....(more details to follow when I have the energy to write about it....sorry, I'm feeling lazy tonight....)

Anyway, I was thoroughly enjoying having a little creative spurt, until my flipping pen ran out. I only bought it 2 days ago!

Shocking I know.

Quite frankly I am appalled.

WH Smith have robbed me of £1.99. I'll never see that again.

And WH Smith will never see my money again.

Pah!

Tempted to rifle through my rubbish bin to find the receipt, take the pen back and demand a refund.

But I don't want to look like a weirdo.

Or a moaning minnie.

Or even worse, one of those annoying customers that were once a daily part of my life....

xxx

lets push things forward...

A slightly strange afternoon that left me feeling rather deflated and my confidence a little bit knocked.

However, I am trying my best not to let it effect my day tomorrow....or the next day...or the day after that.

I don't want the bad feelings to burrow under my skin. They have the ability to fester and make a nasty little nest in my brain. And I really don't want them to.

Tomorrow is a new day.

xxx

Love, hope, thankfulness

Well, its that time of year again, and as much as many of us want to ignore it, Christmas is being flung at us from every direction.

The town lights have been switched on, the adverts have started, the festive tunes are beginning to blast out of the radio and shops have had a Christmas make over.

Red and gold, 3 for 2, half price, glitter and gold, especially for you.

I cant remember much about December 2011, or December 2010. Or even a couple of years preceding that....

Christmas was never the same for me after my Grandpa died, he was always my Father Christmas. He used to get so excited when December came around. Each year he would get his ancient Christmas tree out and perform minor surgery on the Angel Gabriel. He loved having the family altogether. Jim Reeves tunes would be played on repeat and for Grandpa, there was nothing more glorious than his beloved Christmas pudding and custard.

Gramps passed away 7 years ago last week, and as much as I still miss him, this was the first year that I forgot to mark the day. I remembered it yesterday and felt a wave of guilt....but then I decided to turn that guilt around....

Because you see, I have decided that this Christmas is going to be different. I will not be a zombie. I will not be on autopilot. I will not be numb. Instead, I'm going to make the most of each moment.

Instead of mourning the past, and missing all that Christmas used to be, I'm going to make new memories. And I know that this is what Grandpa would want, and now I'm finally in a place where I can do that.

This may not make much sense and writing about Christmas can often be so cheesy. And  I'm lactose intolerant so I hope its not too cheese filled.  I'm having trouble expressing what I need to now, my head is getting a bit muddled, and again I'm conscious of  writing what I want to say in the wrong way. Ooh silly brain. Try again Susie.

Love. Hope. Thankfulness.
That's my Christmas.
And I'm going to try my best to pass it on.

xxxxx

3 word Thursday

Because I'm an old lady geek (as you already know) Radio 2 is a constant feature in my day.... On Simon Mayo's show, he likes listeners to text in with their '3 word Thursday' (or Wednesdays or whatever....)

 One man texted tonight saying "sausage casserole in." I sincerely hope he meant in the oven, cant think where else you would put it really.

Anyway,  because I'm writing this in a little bit of a rush here are a collection of my ' 3 word Thursdays'....

Hen emails sent...

Christmas song excitement...

Telly alive again...

Time for Corrie...

xxx

small thoughts, big ideas?

Not sure what to write about tonight.

My head is full of questions and ideas.

Buzzing brain cells. Nervous neurones.

Questions and ideas don't even seem to be the rights words to use when describing the patterns in my mind. My thoughts seem more complex than just those two small words.

I need to either focus in on something or try and switch off my brain altogether.

Hmm...

Switching off seems most appealing but not sure if I'll be able to shut the other stuff up.

And maybe I dont want to shut it up, it might actually be good stuff. I could be on the edge of an incredible eureka moment.Or about to discover the mystery of the missing pens in my house.Now that would be pretty mind blowing....

xxx

good things

And so Monday rolls around again.......

I've had a really busy weekend, full of fun, but my social skills were kind of put to the test (in a good way, if tests can be good? Yes, yes, I think they can...)...My brain needed a bit of a rest this morning and so I treated myself to a lie-in this morning. Delicious.

Turns out I'm going to have a busy summer too as I've been asked to be a bridesmaid for the second time! Completely suprised, honoured and so privileged. Marianne (bride to be in June) is one of my oldest friends. Our friendship is of the 3rd generation kind (how many people can say that?!) Our Dads were at Sunday school together, and our Grandparents were also good friends. Pretty cool bit of history I must say.

Feel like I'm becoming a bit of a wedding expert nowadays. So if in the future the job prospects aren't going well, wedding planner could definitely be on the agenda. Ha.

Its also amazing what has come out of these past 2 years. Marianne and I have always been good friends, but had lost touch for a little while. When Marianne found out I was suffering from depression she reached out and has been a fantastic support for me. Sometimes the most horrible of circumstances can have extrodinary positive outcomes, in so many different ways.

Maybe it sounds strange, but I'm glad that I've gone through this crazy journey of darkness and found the light.

It has made me the person I am today.

A person I actually like.

It has given me strength.

It has enabled old friendships to be rediscovered.

It has made me realise what the important things in life are.

It has shown me what love is.

What friendship is.

What hope is.

And the mad thing is, the black dog wants you to forget all those things, to drown them out, to tell you that you're disgusting, that life will never change, that nobody understands you, that you dont deserve friends, that you're weak and worthless....

In your face black dog

xxx

This time last year....

One of the perks of blogging is that you can scroll through your own archive of entries and see what you were up to this time last year.....

Reading through last November is like going for a ride on a rollercoaster. I'm up, I'm down, screaming one minute, laughing the next. How exhausting. And how grateful I am not to be on such a scary ride anymore. I never did like theme parks anyway, I was always the one waiting and holding everyones bags.

Its also interesting rereading some entries and thinking to myself, "Hmm, that's actually a good little bit of writing there Sooz..." I can't say I've experienced that feeling for a long time and I rather like it.

I can't remember whether I've mentioned it, but I've decided to have another few sessions of counselling over the next coming months. It kind of seemed the right time, because I know I'm making progress, but there are still things I don't like doing, or refuse to do.....and definitely some demons of the black dog variety that creep into my mind....I need to get rid of those. Or at least get them to shut up at the appropriate time.

Anyway, here's an exert from last November, which is both encouraging for me and I hope will be for other people too....


...Without my counselling, I don't even think I would be here, scary as it sounds. Its been the most helpful, mind changing, challenging and rewarding therapy I could hope for. A gift really. But, it sure does hurts. It really hurts. Every week my mind is mentally stretched and wrung out. Its uncomfortable and painful. I have to constantly dig through the mess and the darkness that my depression has covered  me in.

Its rather like when you realise you've dropped something valuable in the rubbish bin, and have to go scratching around for it. First you're so careful, not wanting to get anything slimy on your hands. Then you smell something suspicious, and think, gross, it cant be in here, and shut the lid quickly. But you have to go back, you've looked all over the house, and still cant find what you're looking for. So you gingerly poke a few bits of rubbish around, again, not enjoying this grim and dirty task. Soon you realise its no good, you've got bits of crusty baked beans on your fingers anyway, so you may as well have a proper rummage. Old banana skins, orange cartons and mouldy bread are flying out of the bin now at a rate of knots, and somehow, you've got used to the smell and the slime. Because, at last, nestled at the bottom of the bin, hiding in a dark corner, is the item you've been looking for all this time! Hurrah!

That's what its like. That's what counselling is all about. I have to keep holding onto those hurrah moments as I search through the rubbish...

xxx

headaches are such a...headache?

Woke up this morning with a headache again. How very irksome. Ummed and arrred about going into Bristol for my courses.

Got up and the world started spinning.

Went back to bed.

Got up again to try and go to my afternoon course.

Each bit of sunlight seemed to pierce into my brain.

Very painful.

Felt guilty for not going.

 Sat in a dark room.

 Daddy Pig told me not to feel guilty, that it was in fact, false guilt.

Sat in a dark room some more.

Drank some diet coke.

 I hate headaches. They stop me from doing anything.

 Drank some more diet coke.

Its pretty much gone now, and I've had a lovely evening, but still feel a bit wonky in my head.

4 years ago, or is it 5...I think it might be 5 actually...anyway, 5 years ago I had viral meningitis, and I swear that after that illness I've suffered from these debilitating headaches and migraines. I'm not a medical boffin (obviously) but it just seems too much of a coincidence. I never used to get them before the viral meningitis....but since then they seem to feature quite frequently in my life (and I promise its not just a permanent hangover!)

They also seem to crop up when my anxiety has been a bit on the fraught side. Or the black dog is barking, trying to weasel its way into my brain.

Sorry for the moan. But if I can't moan on here, where can I?

xxx

click here like/dislike...

A stuffed belly full of pasta goodness. Like.

A horrible headache that refuses to budge. Dislike.

Wearing my snazzy Christmas pyjamas for the first time this year. Majorly like.

Having to get up tomorrow before 8am for the fourth day running (I know nearly everyone has to do this, but I really really hate it.) Massively dislike.

That is all.

xxx

exciting new things

I'm sat here waiting for my lift to stitch and bitch, so this entry may end a little abruptly...

We don't bitch at stitch and bitch, and I don't do that much stitchi....

...Yes well, that was last nights attempt at blogging, and as I suspected it ended before I could finish my sentence!

But today has been a new day, and a good day too.

I've started yet another course, this one is run through Bath College and its really rather good. Its all about writing, and although that sounds vague, its helping me to have a bit more focus.

Its also inspired me to add a few more bells and whistles onto this site.

There is now a lovely helpful search box to the right -------->

So if you wanted to look at what my experiences are of panic attacks for example, just type it in the box, and hey presto it magically produces the entries when I've written about panic attacks. Or perhaps you want to know more about my love of shoes, or diet coke, just type it in and all will be revealed.

I've also added a second page, the 'Gallery' (ha, my own gallery, how posh that sounds!) Its very basic at the moment, but if you fancy looking at some of my work, or some things that inspire me, have a little browse on that page.

But for now, I must get back to my cleaning. Oh joy. Although I seem to have diverted myself from cleaning and I'm doing more clearing out, which I actually love. Chucking away things, discovering some gems in the bottom of handbags and drawers (so far I've found a vimto lolly and 10 euros...who knows whats next!) I've also rediscovered my amazing fingerless gloves, which make me feel like Fagin...cheerio but be back soon!!

xxx

another part of the puzzle

Oh dear, naughty Susie had too much wine on Friday and had a bit of a hangover yesterday, whoops. Headache central.

I like to try and insist my hangovers are worse because of the medication I'm on....but I don't think anyone is convinced really...

Generally I know when to stop pouring wine down my throat, but Friday seemed to be a bit of a fun exception, and I got a little carried away...(loved every minute though, he he.)

But generally speaking, alcohol and depression aren't the best combination. And I've learnt that the hard way.

It can seem like a quick fix, an easy way to block out your pain, distract you, numb you. Unfortunately, it soon can have a much bigger hold over you than you can imagine.

I don't want to sound too dramatic here, I'm not a recovering alcoholic and I'm not tee-total. I can only write about my own experiences, yours are probably different. I'm just someone with a naturally addictive personality, and alcohol consumption is something I have to be aware of. Its not something I used to be aware of...but since last September, I kind of tuned into what my psychiatrist told me, which was along these lines....

"Susanna, when you drink alcohol your medication does not work. If you want to get better you need to cut down your alcohol consumption."

Now, I wasn't drinking vodka with my morning coco pops or anything, in fact, I didn't even really think I was drinking too much at all. Maybe that was part of the problem. It had become another habit, a way to unwind and relax a bit, take the edge off my black mood.

However, I decided to listen to my psychiatrist, I wanted to give my medication the best chance of working in my brain. I cut out drinking on weekdays. Perhaps not a massive deal to some people, and I can't say I always stick to it. But I can say that its helped me, and its obvious to me that my medication was given the chance to work properly.

I'm not really sure how I got talking about this tonight. It all sounds very serious and I don't want to lecture anyone. Yuk how gross, I hate when people tell me what to do. I guess its all about mindfulness, being self aware. Knowing your own mind and body and what is best for them in the long old run of life.

And of course, I still smoke like a trooper, I still have my vices. 'Fag ash Lil' is my Dads fond name for me. A disgusting habit I know, but at the moment its still a necessity in my life. It helps me, and I know I won't smoke forever, I will give up when I'm stronger. Promise.

So apologies if this does sound like I'm preaching, that wasn't my intention at all.... Please don't whip my pint glass out of my hand when you see me in the pub, that's not my intention either! I'm just wittering, as usual, about another part of the jigsaw puzzle that is my brain......

xxx

short but sweet

Lemon chicken in the oven and I need to get myself ready for an evening of wine and gossip at the pub.....

Went back to counselling today after a 5 month break....tough but worthwhile...

I have been laughing so much at my art class this afternoon that I think I've run out of jokes.

Finger painting is amazingly fun. Do it now!

xxx

top banana

What a difference a day makes.

My lists are made.

I've ticked some things off.

Done some work on my latest painting and generally had space for Susie.

Mr B has been making me laugh and looking after me... (some fabulous duet singing earlier and he made me potato croquets for tea, delish.)

Oh and together with your help I now have over 44,000 hits! Thank you so much for your continued support lovely readers.

There really are some truely top bananas out there :)

xxx

stream

Half term week means no courses, and no courses means that Susie hasn't got a clue what day it is.....my routine has gone all skewif.

 Haven't been sleeping well.

 Nightmares haunting me.

 Bit overwhelmed about bits and bobs.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

I should be doing this.

I should be doing that.

Things hanging over me. Unfinished tasks.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

Starting this.

Forgetting that.

You cant do this. You'd be rubbish at that.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

Mind running away.

Images spiralling.

Stop.

Need to make lists. Make things manageable. Step by step.

Breathe.

But I dont even have a job.

Feel guilty.

Argh.

Stop.

xxx

a ripping time

Snip.

Snip.

Rip.

My fingers roughly pulled at the fabric, eager to see each piece fall away.

Tearing, ripping, breaking.

It might have only been one jumper, but each thread of cotton was stitched together with the bitter voices of the black dog. Voices that have been filling my head for far too long.

Who knew that one grey hoody could hold so many dark memories?

It was there when I was in hospital.

It was there when I took too many pills.

It was there when I hated myself.

It was there when I scratched my arms until they bled.

It was there when I did anything to numb the pain.

A grey hoody that became my invisibility cloak. When I wanted to disappear, that's what I wore. Nobody could see me, I didn't have to look at myself anymore.

And now its gone.

Shredded and ripped at the bottom of my bin.

I delighted in every cut those scissors made, knowing that I would never ever want to wear that grey hoody again.

Hurrah for that!

xxx

look after each other and yourself

My anxiety hasn't been great the past few days, and I'm not really sure why. Think tiredness may be something to do with it. Very frustrating. It comes out of no-where and suddenly you're standing in Tesco with your hands and legs shaking like an old lady who's lost their zimmer frame.

Shaking Susie. That's my new name. I could do Elvis-like dance moves with my knees knocking and get paid to be a female impersonator. I bet there aren't many of those....

Anyway, my little nephew Joshua has told me that everything is going to be OK because Jesus is always here to look after me. Love theology from a three year old.

 Mr B is taking me to my favourite restaurant tonight, well I use the term restaurant fairly loosely as its a Harvester, but I just cant resist the salad bar and fried chicken. Not that I actually fill my bowl with salad, mine mainly consists of bacon bits, sweetcorn and croutons. Super tasty. We were going to have a night on the razzle dazzle but Mr B thought it would be better for me to take it steady and have a slightly quieter night. He's very thoughtful like that, Mr B looks after me, and I like it.

Sometimes when I feel a bit better I get so excited that I kind of overcook my goose (one of Mama Pigs phrases) and then I end up feeling worse. Its really irritating. But I just have to learn to pace myself.

Heres a snap of me and Joshua that I took this week as we went stomping in the muddy field. I'd forgotten how glorious it felt to get super muddy and sing silly songs........

:)

xxx

the cost of keeping warm....

Apparently theres a cold snap on the way, so I've been preparing myself by searching for a new winter woolly. I've been keeping my eyes open for something warm and snuggledy, as it appears most of my jumpers are going a bit bobbly and threadbare. Think those darn moths have been enjoying a feast over the summer, and somehow I didn't quite realise. The trouble is, most warm jumpers are slightly out of my price range, so I've been ferreting around in the charity shops instead.

I've always been a big fan of charity shops, you can pick up some absolute gems. What does irritate me though, is when you see a top from Primark being sold for double the price, that's just bad business. Or the charity shops that have caught onto the the 'retro' trend, and so treble the price of anything that looks at least 5 years old. I think that's a bit cheeky. I mean, I know they have to make money, but also know-one is going to buy it if its a million squillion pounds when they could get a new version in Primark for tuppence.

Anyway, rant over, because today I did find myself a lovely cosy cardigan for the bargain price of £6. And its 50% wool, which means super warm but not super itchy. I took it up to the till and the lady looked at me with a slightly strange expression...

"You do realise this is a mans cardigan don't you??"

So apparently all I need to complete my look is a flat cap and a pipe...

xxx

little bits

Ahhh (that's a big sigh, not a scream) at last I'm sat back at the computer typing away. I seem to be so busy at the moment and finding time to stop and blog has been nearer the bottom of my list. But today its jumped up, overtaken all the boring tasks (like washing my socks, oh so dull) and has reached the top. Hurrah.

There also seems to have been quite a few HURRAHS in my life the past few days....

I've started a new course, discovered info about another writing course, met some ace people, been told  that a great art class I'm part of has got some funding to continue, AND (probably most importantly) I've found my old Winnie-the-Pooh books which I thought I had lost forever. Pooh and Piglet are once again part of my life.

Its really rather exciting.

Although....I still haven't been to the gym for 7 weeks!!! Naughty naughty Susie. I must go. I really must....

Its surprising how busy my life can be even though I don't work. I know people who do work won't believe me, but I will just stick my tongue out at you and say "BOOraaa!" Cuz unlike a 'normal' (hate that word but can't think of another) person, everyday tasks still take up twice the amount of mental energy for me. It is getting easier though. Practise makes perfect.

I was talking to my sister yesterday about the past 2 years, and its strange because for me, some of my darkest times have just blurred together. She told me how pretty much all I used to do was sleep, knit, and watch films. I don't really remember that, I only remember the darkness. And being really cold all the time...Living in my grey hoody, with my pink blanket wrapped over me.... Urgh, such a yukky time. Don't ever want to go back there....

I'm kind of touching on little bits of things today but I feel like I could write more if I could concentrate a bit better.

I do apologise. I think my brain is hungry and  marmite crumpets are calling....

xxx

Lucky, blessed

I often find looking in my dictionary or thesaurus useful, but today they have both failed me.  Not because I was looking for the reason why diet coke tastes so delicious.... but because I was looking for some good quality, top notch definitions.

However, I am not satisfied with the answers that they provided me with. They didn't express the meaning in the way in which I experience the words. So basically, I am right, and they are wrong. Oxford English Dictionary who? The Susie Piggott English Dictionary has been commissioned .

Now I bet you're wondering which words I was investigating? I'm sure you're on the edge of the seat, as this is such a gripping read. Well I shall keep you in suspense no longer, the words were lucky and blessed.

Blessed to have family.

Lucky to have love.

Blessed to have friends.

Lucky to have laughs.

Blessed to get hugs.

Lucky to enjoy them.

Blessed to be a sister, a daughter.

Lucky to be an aunt.

Blessed to see the light again.

Lucky to be out of the dark.

My definitions.

xxx

send me on my way

I'm almost ready to embark on my journey to Oxford. Fun, friends, and a cow-free thai green curry await me. I can't wait.

Just wish I didnt have to get the blasted train.

Also hoping that my stupid hands will stop shaking. They have been behaving recently, but for some odd reason today I cant hold anything without the fear of possibly dropping it. So as long as I keep away from red wine and antique china, I should be fine....

xxx

P.S heres a little song for the journey....pretty cool lyrics and truely awesome dance moves ;)

How are you today?

Um yes. So. I have a cough. Splutter splutter. And a cold. Snot snot. But enough about my revolting bodily functions.

How are you today?

In my life BBD (before black dog) my answer to that question was always, "FINE!"  In a very shrill kind of 'dont you dare ask me any more questions'  way. I can even see my uncomfortable expression too, wearing my mask of a forced tight smile. Yuk. I won't be going there again. No thank you.

But its so hard isn't it? When you have pretended that you're OK for so long, you think if you tell the truth you'll look weak, or even more of a failure.

I can tell you now, that's not true.

Promise.

If you're not fine, please don't say that you are.

I know how scary it is to say that you feel numb, confused, paranoid, insecure, stuck in a black hole, consumed with suicidal thoughts. But I also know how much better my life has been since I took off my mask and told the truth.

You might scream, you might cry, you might say nothing. You might say, "I feel fucking shit actually". And if its the local postman asking how you're doing, you may give them a slight shock on their morning round, but I promise its better to let it out. You just might not get your letters for a little while....Ha. I jest of course!

Lets rid our conversations of, "I'm OK" and "Fine thanks" or "Not bad" or even worse, "Alright".
Oh how dull.

Let us embrace some new phrases....like....

"I've just taken my first anti-depressants so I'm feeling like I might throw up any minute" or

"I'm really anxious about today's meeting and I can't stop farting" or

"Well, I feel OK now because I just counted to 17, 3 times after locking the back door" or

"I'm so scared, can you stay in the house with me this evening"

"I just ate something other than marmite on toast for the first time in 3 days, I'm so pleased with myself!

(By the way, I havent just randomly made these up, they are all answers that I could of given in the past 2 years.)

So let us all take a challenge, next time someone asks you how you're feeling, tell the truth. Whether it be good or bad, just let it out. One things for certain, there will definitely be some interesting conversations out there.

xxx

wasted wednesday?

I've achieved nothing today. Zilch. Zero. Not even a little bit.

Not good.

Feel guilty.

But I have felt knackered after yesterday.

And I've got the snuffles.

Yuk.

Ah well. These things happen I guess.... Tomorow is a new day.

I was forced out of my pit this afternoon due to a lack of diet coke in the house, so at least I've had a walk....

Hmm...

xxx

love, hope

More photos for you tonight folks....if you haven't seen them already, here are some (pretty bad quality, I had to take the first with the camera held in my mouth...) pictures of my new 'love' tattoo to match with its partner 'hope'.



You might like them, you might hate them, you might thing I'm a fruit loop, either way, I don't really care. Because one things for sure, you can't argue with the sentiment.

Two tiny words that can have such extraordinary meanings.

Love.

Hope.

Love, hope.

Tomorrow I'm attending a funeral for a dear family friend. Louise was so special, so loved, and has been taken away from this world far too early. She had been unwell with cancer for the past 18 months, and I was completely humbled when my Mum told me that she read my blog. I had no idea. Sorry, I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. But Louise never moaned, never complained, she had such courage. Mum said she found my blog encouraging, knowing that she wasn't the only person having a rough time. And I think that's what we all need reminding of. We're not alone with our troubles. Many of us are struggling with mental illness, physical illness, stress, anxiety, bereavement, relationship strains...whatever it is, you're not the only one....

Just remember, love, hope. Love, hope.

light

The nights are drawing in.

The smell of roast potatoes waft up the stairs.

Leaves are falling. Frosts are coming.

Autumn has arrived.

Bright sunlight and a fresh wind on your face.

Chilly ears.

Lets get the boots out. And our warm winter cardigans.

Cosy up.

Nest in.

The winter is coming. But the light wont disappear.

It will shine through the darkness.

Brighter than ever.


xxx

albert einstein, he was quite a clever chap...

xxx

jibber jabber

An evening of wine drinking, gossipping, nail painting and delish snacks await me. I love being a girl.

This week seems to have been pretty long by all accounts....not really sure why....I don't think they added an extra day. Maybe its just because Monday seems like ages time ago. Hmm. The complexities of time never cease to amaze me....Ha. I felt very scientific writing that sentence.

I've been working on a new painting this week, its another of the spiral wire doodle things. In bluey colours this time, and a lot bigger. I would say its better too, but I probably would be lying.

Oh I seem to be wittering in a rather non-sensical way tonight.

Obviously the wine is calling....

xxx

sleep tight

To whoever invented the snooze button, I would like to hug and poke you in the eye simultaneously. I love your invention, but it really is the curse of my morning routine.

I set my alarm for 7:32am (one of my weird OCD things, I cant set an alarm for a 00 time or a time ending in an odd number) this morning, and I didn't get out of bed till 7:58am. Whoops. Considering the snooze goes off at 4 minute intervals, I managed to fall back into the deepest of slumbers each time. Oh sleepy time, I can never seem to get enough of you.

I think I have been blessed (or cursed) with the gift of being able to sleep anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Trains, planes, cars, buses, kitchen floors, bathroom floors, fields and forests, all can be temporarily adapted into Susie's sleeping area.

Which reminds me, I think its time for bed.

xxx

another day

Some days don't turn out exactly how you imagine them to.

You might step in a puddle, miss your bus or drop your last salt and vinegar chipstick on the floor. Equally, you could find 10p in an old coat, a butterfly might land on your shoulder and for once your hair might just behave itself.

Either way, I have learnt that the tables seem to keep on turning. A bad day could be followed by a great day. A funny day could be followed by a miserable day. You just don't know. And I must admit I still find that uncertainty rather irritating. But this is the nature of depression and the black dog.

However, at one point all my days just merged into one disgusting numbing dark blob, so things have most definitly improved...

xxx

time to change

Rightyho, lets get typing.

I have been preoccupied by painting and also by doing secret things.

Exciting secret things that I dont want to write about just yet because they may not blossom, they are just at the beginning. We shall see. But the main thing is, I am being PROACTIVE (ha I hate that word, its so dull but I can't think of anything else suitable...!)

Also this week is World Mental Health Week, (or day, depending which website you're on!) If you google it or go on the MIND website you can find about stuff happening in your area.

If you're local to Bath/Bristol then tomorrow from 11am-4pm at the Guildhall in Bath there is going to be all kinds of stalls and cool people giving information and advice out. I've heard rumours about art and yoga too which sound exciting. Anyway, I'm going to get myself down there and generally give everyone a big thumbs up and tell them what top bananas they are for raising the awareness of mental health.

Lets keep kicking that black dog right in the snout.

xxx

love love love

 It had completely slipped my mind until tonight to write a little more about my new tattoo...

For those who have seen it or remember reading it, last year I got the word 'hope' tattooed on my wrist. It is a word that has got me through my darkest hours. A word that I never wanted to forget. I've said it a thousand times before, but hope can often hide, but always be found.

And so, a year after I attempted to take my own life, I wanted another positive mantra inscribed onto my wrist.

When I look back over the past year my mind is blown away with how far I've come. I literally can't believe what I've been able to achieve. I know I may not be back at work yet, but I've jumped over some massive hurdles (such a cliche I know, but stick with it..!)

 And probably most importantly, I've come back. Susie has come back. I never thought that would happen! Lets all jump on the table and do a little dance! 

Therefore, when deciding on a particular word for my tattoo, my brain was having a bit of a dilemma. Should I have strength? Or should I have love?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, and because its 10pm on a Sunday night and my bed is calling, I decided on love.

To remind myself that I am loved. To remember that I've finally begun to love myself again.

And to know that love isn't flowers and cards and big smushy stuff. Its a hug. Its a journey. Its a tissue (or snot rag in my case.) Its standing by your side. Its acceptance. Its telling you things you don't want to hear. Its not wanting to change you. Its forever. 

xxx

Football tackling depression

Just a quick one tonight....

I was listening to Radio 2 earlier (yes I'm old...) It appears that Stoke City FC are becoming the first premier league club to actively address depression and the psychological welfare of their players. Quite shocked that this isn't done already. But anyway, there is going to be more about it on BBC breakfast tomorrow morning so I will try and set my alarm....

The sports chap on the radio then went on to have a chinwag with Leon Mckenzie, who's had his own battle with depression.

Anybody who raises the awareness of this horrible illness gets a massive thumbs up and a pat on the back from me.

Below is a link for an article with Leon McKenzie...an interesting read, and yet again more proof that anyone can suffer from mental health problems.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2071792/Leon-McKenzie-suicide-attempt-depression--interview.html

xxx

mostly about pigs....

Yesterday I was temporarily paralysed, hence the lack of blogging. And it wasn't the pain from my new tattoo that was hindering me, but instead I had a giant swollen gland in my neck. Its been making me feel quite beaky, so I've had a quiet few days pottering around.

Anyway, that's all my boring news out of the way, and now I can start to write about super scintillating  stuff....

Such as, how I choked on my coco-pops this morning as I found out that a man in America was eaten by his herd of pigs....Honestly, I can't believe its true. Pigs are very friendly, and if he was a 70 year old man then he probably wouldn't be very tasty. He'd be all wrinkly and crusty. Mind you, if he hadn't been feeding his pigs properly then who can blame them. They must of been starving marvin. Click the link below if you want to find out more about this odd story. The highlight for me is knowing that the pigs didn't want to eat the old mans dentures. Obviously that part of him wasn't quite as delectable...!

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/oregon-farmer-is-eaten-by-his-pigs-8194766.html

Its just another testimony reminding us that life never stays the same.

Just when we start to lean back, relax and get used to something (like feeding the pigs), something or someone can come along and change your world. It might be only briefly, or it might be more permanent...like a ravenous human-eating pig jumping out and biting your head off.

In the past I have been petrified of change.

But now I'm slowly becoming less scared, more excited, and I think, more adaptable.

xxx

yesterday,today and tomorrow

Written on Sunday before computer freaked out and shut the web page down...

Even though I got up at 7:30am this morning (a most unnatural hour for me to experience) I'm not allowed to moan about how tired I am...because Mr B ran the half marathon in Bristol...and apparently, its pretty tiring....

Don't think I'll be entering myself into that anytime soon...I would most definitely collapse and be the one chain smoking and stopping to grab a tasty burger half way round. Ha.

Written today whilst I'm sitting here, writing this...

A good day.

A great day.

A day full of painting naked people, laughing at Mr B negotiating his way around the countryside (not his natural habitat) and eating lots of fajita goodness. Oh and some crazy dancing thrown in for good measure too.

Unfortunately the black dog came sniffing around me last night, he was barking so loudly it made me feel quite wonky....I hate that blasted mutt.

Eventually managed to kick his mangey smelly arse away from me though. KAPOW. Black dog was karate chopped by the master of imaginary martial arts Sooz.

Oh I mustn't forget its tattoo time tomorrow!! Super excited about my new inky print. Had a few deliberations about which word to have on my other wrist, and which way round etc...but I've finally decided and I can't wait. Hope they give me a lolly again like they did last year. Loved that chuba chubs.....


xxx