Sunday 2 October 2011

2nd of October, really?

A little bit of a confusing day...

Is it Summer? Or Autumn?

Flippin heck I wish the weather would make up its mind.

My Grandma (aka the weather girl) assures me its going to snow this month.

Ahem. Grandma, I think you may be wrong. Its 25 degrees outside and I'm wearing shorts! And I was in my bikini on the beach on Thursday. In England. Its all very strange.

For me, September and October will always make me feel like going out and buying a new pencil case. The start of a new term, a new year. Even though I've been out of school for 7 years, and graduated university 4 years ago, I still want to sharpen my pencils and stock up on stationary.

I loved school and uni. I really miss writing essays and learning new stuff. I know that makes me a huge geek, but I am very jealous of all those still studying away and making up their packed lunches. (Especially if you've got a Capri Sun and a Babybell in there, always made my school day a little brighter...)

And so, this kind of sinking feeling that often follows me around like a bad smell just won't budge this weekend. I can't help but be reminded of the fact that nothing has really changed in my life, and another year has gone by without me achieving anything.

Comparing myself to others is one of my major hang ups, but my mind is uncontrollably obsessed with it! The black dog makes it impossible not to get hung up on all the great and wondrous things my peers are doing. It wont let me just be happy for others, but instead reminds me of what a useless failure I am.

Will that ever stop??

One of the things about writing a blog that's a bit annoying is how much I repeat myself! How many times do I write the same old paragraphs, over and over again... I also get really paranoid that people might think I'm just doing it for attention, or that I'm searching for someone to come along and give me a confidence boost. If you do think that. Then you're wrong. Very wrong.I know, that ultimately, it is only through the right medication, through counselling, and perhaps a whole lot of time, that I will hopefully get better. So, just for the record, I needed to put that out there...And obviously, the amazing love and support from friends and family (and even people I don't know) help a massive amount too!

Hmm went off track a little bit there....Where was I? Oh yes..I remember...

Even when I was younger I always wished I had a talent, something that I knew I was good at. A gift that I loved doing, and that could help others with and even maybe earn a living out of.

I can't imagine ever finding that.

But I really really really (that's three really's for you) hope I will be able to find that gift one day. Even if its just being a person who is great at making a cup of tea (although, as I don't drink tea, I doubt I will ever perfect that art) or maybe giving great hugs. Thats a good one actually. I could work on that.

Hugs for everyone!

Start the queue please....

xx

1 comment:

  1. Just keep writing, never mind measuring the progress, just keep writing.

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