body=temple??pah!

Blimey, I've only been away for 2 weeks and facebook has gone all weird on me.

Its too confusing.

Too many boxes and links, my brain cannot cope!

I've been cooped up in a car for 3 hours and I'm feeling strangely energetic yet extraordinarily sleepy.

So maybe sitting at the computer isn't the best idea.

But I'm glad we're back. I am not a fan of packing, or travelling, or unpacking. Its a bit of an anxiety fuelled nightmare. So, at least I don't have to think about any of that now.

And now I'm back, I was thinking on my journey about turning my body into a temple.

Well, not literally you understand, I don't think clanging bells and a tower on top of my head would really work. More of the looking after my body kind of thing. I try to look after my brain quite a lot, which can be very tiring, and so then I forget about my body.

I don't eat any fruit, and I'm not exactly the fittest girl around town, so it could be an inspired idea.

I did have a phase of jogging which was good...and then slowly fizzled out. So maybe I should start small, a few sit ups here and there. The odd strawberry for breakfast kind of thing.

I guess it would probably involve giving up smoking too. Hmm. One step at a time. I'm starting to give my mind more of the respect it deserves nowadays, so feel like my body should also follow suite.

Actually, now I think about it, I'm not so sure...This could be one of my brilliant ideas that I actually never do and then I kick myself for telling other people about it.

Ooo I curse my wittering writing, I curse it!

xx

P.S this has been on my ipod, non stop....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEOC8pCepRA&NR=1



"Hold On" Razorlight

Well now your here you are in your life
And now your finding out why
You've got to learn how to fight
Before you learn how to fly

So stick your fist up prove them wrong
Don't lose the words to the song
Coz its a long way down
I guess you know that by now

But if you hold on
Well I will hold on too
And if you reach up
Yeah I will reach up too

Well now your here in your life
Its such a long way down
Somehow you figure it out
So now you turn it around
But I know

But if you hold on
Well I will hold on too
And if you reach up
Yeah I will reach up too

Too...too.. too.

And one thing before you go
Just let everyone know
You refuse to regret it
Just like everyone said you would
Just like everyone knew you would

Just say that you can
Sleep at night
Just say that you get nervous
With the struggle you fight

You cant believe what your told
And you cant be alone and you cant let it go and you cant lose control and you know
You are not just anyone
No your not just anyone

And if you hold on
Well I will hold on too
And if you reach up.. then I will reach up too
And if you hold on.. and I will hold on too
And if you reach up..

The scales have shifted

It has felt quite strange not to write my little witterings every day. But it’s been good to sit back from it for a while and take a tiny bit more time for reflection.

Whenever I paint a picture, I always make sure I take a break from looking at it. My view can get so distorted that I need to return with a fresh energy and perspective.

Which is why, this couple of weeks away for me has come at exactly the right time.

I haven’t got internet access so I’ve sneaked into a pub to steal their WiFi...hehe.

Something happened to me a couple of weeks ago. A day that changed everything. A day that I would preferably not talk about. A day that I knew, in my own time, I would need to write about. And it just hasn’t felt quite right before. But somehow, for whatever reason, I think I can open up that door now. In the hope that others will be able to relate, to understand, and not feel scared to talk about anymore.

So……..deep breath Sooz…here we go……..

Two weeks ago I took an overdose of tablets. In short, a suicide attempt. A desperate cry for help.

Ooo those are scary words aren’t they. Don’t worry though; this story has a happy(ish) ending.

I had hit rock bottom. I thought I had hit rock bottom quite a few times before. But because of a multitude and random combination of situations, the shit really hit the fan this time.

If you asked me to pinpoint one thing, one situation or emotion that provoked me to take matters into my own hands, I honestly couldn’t do it.

When the depression has taken over, you are completely and utterly taken control of. It makes me sound crazy but it’s like having 2 bits to my personality, the normal(ish) and well Susie, and the depressed poorly Susie. When trying to explain a suicide attempt to others, it’s so important that people understand that the depressed and poorly side of my mind had taken over. You are in a place where all logic and love have been thrown out of the window. You can’t even recognise that you do have another side to your mind; the depression simply won’t allow it. It has banned reason, hope, faith, beauty, love and colour. You are swamped in a never ending darkness.

People often talk about tiredness. And I recognise that we all live hectic lives, when sleep deprivation is normal and sometimes there aren’t enough hours in the day. Physical tiredness is draining, but can be rectified through a few early nights, and trying not to overstretch our bodies. Mental tiredness is really not so simple. In fact exhaustion is a better word. When you have spent days, weeks, months, years, battling suicidal thoughts, and a self loathing that you can never shake off, you are utterly shattered. There is nothing left within you, and no matter how many hours of sleep you get, you ultimately wake up again the next morning, and begin the fight once again.

I just wanted to sleep forever. And suicide was the only option. Taking tablets and falling asleep was all I wanted to do. That’s what depression does to you, it takes choice out of the equation. Instead of being able to see different options and answers, you are left with a black answer, rather than seeing the world in grey tones.

It is perhaps only with time and healing that I will begin to understand the worry and distress I caused people on that day. I still struggle with getting my head around it. Why would people worry about me? I ask myself, I don’t think I’m worth worrying about.

I felt replaceable and unmissable, an empty void that would be quickly and easily substituted. Again, this is something that family and friends remind me is not true. I hope with time and my medication working, one day, I will be able to believe them. And perhaps the fact that I’m sat here typing this today is a little bit of proof that some of those words are beginning to slowly seep into my brain.

One of the important things about my attempted suicide is that I did cry out for help. I didn’t stay sitting in the field taking more and more tablets. I freaked out, rang a friend, told my Dad, and got myself to a hospital pretty quickly.

What followed was probably a couple of the most uncomfortable and confusing days of my life. My Mum looked like she had been punched in the face, and I desperately wanted to make it better.

Weirdly though, I don’t regret what happened on that day. I have seen it as a turning point in my journey, the scales have shifted, and there is no going back. As my amazing and wise friend Laura said to me a few days later, “The only way is up now Susie.” Those words have stuck with me, and I strongly believe that this suicidal experience will actually give me the strength I’ve been searching for.

It sounds super strange but I now feel like I have got all my suicidal plans and urges out now. It is a chapter I can close on my life. I was so often pulled towards the door marked death, whereas now, that door doesn’t even exist for me. Yes, I still have utterly awful days when the depression takes over me, and I feel numb to the core, but I have realised that suicide is no longer the answer.

In the past, when I had heard about people who had taken their own lives, the first word that would pop into my head would be ‘selfish’. I couldn’t contemplate how the person could cause such pain to their loved ones, instead putting their own need of escape first. I now realise just how wrong I was. When I now hear of others who have taken their own lives I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness that they were unable to reach out and get the help they deserved. Whether that is talking to a doctor, a counsellor, a friend, a family member, being able to reach out can be so scary but can be the lifeline you need.

I have tried so hard to explain this very odd and surreal experience, and I don’t think I’m doing a very good job! But, as I have said so many times before, it is perhaps acceptance that is the most important thing, understanding can be so tricky.

Three days after my overdose, I got my tattoo done. I now have the word ‘hope’ written on my right hand wrist.

 A reminder that I have been at the bottom of the darkest pit, and yet somehow, I managed to cling on to the light.

 A reminder that hope can often hide but always be found.

 A reminder that I never want to be in that place again.

 A reminder that people do love me.

A reminder that I’m stronger than I realise.

A reminder that without hope, all would be lost.

Xxx

Coconut

By all accounts its been a funny old week.

Well, not funny really, maybe surreal is more of the right word.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life through the eyes of someone else. I know that sounds super weird....and perhaps a little nut-like. Crazy as a coconut maybe? Its the strangest feeling, like you kind of almost step out of your mind and body and see things happening as if you're watching it on a film.

I really am sounding like a bit of a coconut so I might stop typing about that scenario...

Now is not the right time for me to write all about the events of this week. Things are still feeling a bit raw and real, and I need some time for reflection.

Which is why I'm going away for 2 weeks!

Hurrah!

A weekend in London with the bestest girls in the world, full of hugs, houmous and (another 'h' word would be good here...) oooo I know HOPE! Yes. Good work. Hugs, houmous and hope. What a cracking combination.

And then.....I'm riding the rail down to beautiful Devon, to the little town of Dartmouth for some serious sleep and relaxation.

So this blog may not be updated for a while. I don't think I have Internet access where I'm staying, although I may try and steal it from a neighbour or something. Some sneaky detective stealth work to be carried out...

xxx

Oh and I finally got my tattoo...the word 'hope' written on the inside of my wrist...

Because.....

'Hope can often hide, but always be found' xxx

the only way is up

If you fall down, at some point, you have to come back up again.

You might cut your knee, but, eventually it will get better.

The pain will fade, the skin will heal, and one day, you might not even see the scar.


...hope....

xxx

oh flippin heck

Struggling to find the right words....Yawn.

I'm listening to some cheesy Christina Aguilera in the hope that it might inspire me.

Its all very well for her to sing about everyone being beautiful when she looks absolutely stunning herself. I bet she never has spots or crazily bad hair days. Ugh.

I know I ramble on about my shitty body image a lot but its on my mind again tonight. And its all kind of linked up really. To make some sort of progress I know I need to like myself a little bit. Inside and out. Mind and body. Its a two for one offer. Buy one, get one free. They come as a package. And I don't like either of them! Some people (possibly my counsellor) would probably say that I need to learn to love myself....but I feel like that's aiming too high, so I'm just going to try and aim for 'like a little bit'.

It just seems an impossible task. Something that I'm never going to achieve.

I wasn't always like this. I can remember, way back in the olden days, when I felt comfortable in my own skin. When I didn't compare myself to everyone else. When I didn't want to rip my own face apart and ask God to start again please. I was kind of content with who I was. Where did all that go? How do I get it back?

 How can you learn to like yourself?

And the more I hate myself, the more I dislike myself, I just seem to continue on this path of self distruction.

What comes before liking something? Tolerating it? Respecting it? I'm laughing as I type this because I have zero toleration or respect for myself! Ahh you've got to laugh sometimes....otherwise a tiny tear might pop out of your eye...!

Jeez.

I have no idea what I'm talking about....

Step away from the keyboard Sooz.......

xxx

Take me out of here

Well, I'm back in Somerset, and it stinks.

Literally.

The farmer has done something to the fields and despite the fact that I've closed all of the windows, the smell of horse shit is still creeping through the walls.

Had my appointment with my new psychiatrist today. Felt like a waste of time. Both for me and for him. I used to come out of those meetings feeling a little bit hopeful. But today, its just another reminder that nothing has changed.

Yes, if I look at things logically, I can see that I have made little bits of progress. But in other ways, my mind feels completely unaltered.

He asked me when I last felt really happy. After a few minutes of head scratching, I realised it was when I was 18. That's 7 years ago. 7 years. Flippin heck. Which is a bloody long time ago. And despite a 3 month respite 3 years ago when I was in America, things have just continued to get worse.

There is nothing more than I want to be well again. To be able to move out, have a job, have a life. But realistically how is that ever going to happen? I have no self confidence. I'm not good at anything. How am I ever going to reach any of those normal goals? People continually tell me that I will get better and things will change. But I just don't believe it. Its like trying to believe that I will climb Mount Everest or that Father Christmas is alive and kicking in the north pole. Nice dreams to have. Dreams that will never come true.

Everyday I fight, and push, just trying to survive. I must have said this a million times, but it is a never ending battle. A battle in which I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. The lines have become blurred and altered. Shifted somehow. Its exhausting.

Take me out of here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEPB7uzKuh4

x

a little bit of this and a little bit of that

Ooo dear. A little bit of dangerous Internet work this afternoon looking at a possible new dogs for Susie. Its all very much in the very vague idea stage. But I have a new soft spot for pugs! So cute. And I do have the time on my hands to train a puppy into another dog wonder. I know I definitely need to wait quiet a bit longer, as I'm missing Bella's company so much. Having a pet dog gives you a bit of a purpose though doesn't it? A reason to get up in the morning. And a little bit of unconditional love and tail wagging is so irresistible.

I think it would give me hope. And thats got to be a good thing.

I did momentarily consider a hamster, but quickly disregarded this idea, as I would most likely accidentally stamp on it with my spikey shoes.

Having a big snacking/stuffing my face with food day today. It doesnt really happen very often, so I've decided to listen to my gut (literally) and keep munching on the pitta and houmous.

Meeting with my new pychiatrist on friday. Yikes. Already dreading it. I can't feel a massive difference on these new drugs. Maybe a little bit. But not lots. I just wish the suicidal stuff would vanish. Its so tiring, and never really goes away.

I think I can smell something tasty cooking downstairs.....time to go and satisfy my stomach...!

xxx

Just now

Ridiculously tired again.

I slept for nearly 12 hours last night, so really I should be well rested and full of beans. Instead, I feel like I've been to an all night rave and can barely keep my peepers open.

My sleeping pattern has gone so wonky since Bella passed away. I'm so used to hearing her little snuffling noises in the night and just liked the reassurance of her being near me. I'm not a very big fan of sleeping on my own...the dark can be a bit scary! I've been on and off sleeping tablets for a while now. They can be really good to just get back into a normalish routine with sleep. Because, from my experience, everything always seems a whole lot worse when you're completely knackered. But like the Valium, they can be sneakily addictive so I have to just control myself!

Its quite funny because I remember when my psychiatrist first prescribed me Valium and warned me that you can get addicted to them. I totally rubbished the idea, and wrote a blog entry about how sure I was that I wouldn't get addicted. Ha. Little did I know. Those tablets are so hard to come off. You feel so relaxed when you're on them. It was a nightmare trying to ween myself off them. Such a nightmare in fact that in the interim period I've started smoking again. Whoops. These things happen. Its not forever.

 Forever is a scary word actually. Even thinking about tomorrow, or next week or next month freaks me out.....

I just have to concentrate on right now.

This moment.

This minute.

This second.

When I just discovered this song........cheesy but good....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8SPwT3nQZ8

xx

p.s For those who might be wondering, Bella was my dog! Didnt want there to be any confusion....!

good plan batman

A little bit tired this evening. Yawn.

But treating myself to a few guilty pleasures...trashy magazines, some wine and a chocolate muffin!Delish.

Helping to look after my crazy two year old nephew this week so my day has been ever so slightly more surreal than normal. Mainly due to Cbeebies I think. Those people are proper crazy. Like really mental. The presenters are SO EXCITED, and SO HAPPY, ALL THE TIME. I think they must have redbull running through their veins. Although, I'm already becoming a bit attached to 'Grandpa in my pocket'. I got quite excited when it came on earlier. Oh dear.

I should probably go and do something really grown up now. Maybe read the financial times, or compare property prices, or even mow the lawn.

Or maybe I'll just go with the flow, listen to my body, and totally veg out...

Good plan Sooz.

xx

stop me

I've run away to Nottingham to join the circus. In the hope that I might feel a little better in my new found profession as a lion tamer...What can I say, its a calling that I couldn't ignore any longer.I have a lovely little caravan and all the other circus folk are most friendly. The clowns especially. What great japes they have up their sleeves, although I'm already a bit bored of the whoopee cushion scenario.The lions are lovely. Not at all scary. But very cuddly and wise in a kind of Aslan from Narnia sense. So really my job is very easy, not too much taming involved.

And obviously all of the above is a great big lie, but I thought it might be more interesting than the truth....! I must admit I did get a little bit carried away....overactive imagination and all that.

But I am in Nottingham, and I can't deny that its good to have a change of scenery.

And I think that's the only positive I can find.

 I've been feeling shitty all weekend. Useless, stupid, idiotic, unlikeable, hate, hate, hate, completely fed up, so annoyed with myself for not being able to get well, I'm my own worst enemy, wish I looked different, wish I was different, a different person, does anybody want to swop?

Ha. Unlikely, and actually I wouldn't want to put anybody through the darkness that lives in me.

Its all my own fault and I want it to STOP.

x

Hopefully

Flight.

Fright.

Freeze.

Our three basic human instincts that can jump in and rescue us when danger approaches.

Each one is an incredibly powerful resource. Not one method is better than another, but the importance lies in listening to our gut, telling us which one we need to follow through.

Right now, for me, its freeze.

I'm frozen.

And not in the fish finger kind of sense....

But I've had so much going on in my life over the last few weeks, all I can do is step back, and take a deep breath. Rest my body, and try to relax my mind.

Whether you fly, fight or freeze, take sanctuary, and take time to heal.

All these little wise words came out of my counselling session this morning. And I have found them really encouraging, as I so often feel guilty, or a failure, for having to go to one of these places. I need to remember that they are not places of weakness, but hopefully, where I can try to regain some strength.

xxx