somebody told me it was tuesday

Well, today, in terms of days generally, has been a lot better than I had anticipated. Mainly because when I went to bed last night I felt like a roast chicken in an insanely hot oven. And therefore, when I woke up this morning, I was not only insanely hot, I also had a big headache. Ouch dehydration is a bitch. Painful. But things looked up. Circumstances tipped themselves upside down and I spent a very lovely afternoon with two very luscious ladies. Yum.

Also my new dress has had an outing. For once I didn’t wear my jeans and grey hoodie. I progressed. And apart from being paranoid that my skirt was constantly tucked into my knickers, I enjoyed it.

Susie is sleepy now. I cant get Internet access where I’m staying so I’m off to the bar across the road to sip a drink and steal their wifi. Also I look like a really professional writer. Or a poser. Sitting in a bar tip tap tapping away. Actually I don’t look like a professional, what am I talking about, I’m just wittering on about a load of bollocks….!

Also I don’t really want to say that I’m a little bit scared about my medication being lowered before it gets changed...... Oh nuts. I said it anyway…..

xxx

Rafael, this is for you

I’m using Ben's fancy pants computer to write this entry. It has taken me about 10 minutes to find the zoom button so that I’m not squinting too much at the screen….Oh the joys of technology…

I must admit I’m also a little distracted as the love of my life is currently playing some amazing tennis down on centre court. Actually, I’ve got a feeling that he might drop in later, as he knows I’m in the area and all….Maybe I could make him some Sangria…I think that would be a great end to the day for Rafael…and for me of course…

So…anyway… I made it to Clapham. I’m alive and in one piece. Absolutely knackered but I made it. Hurrah.

I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Diet coke is needed.

Hmmm…I feel like I have got quite a lot of stuff in my little brain tonight, but I cant seem to get the words out properly.

I’ve been attempting to write this blog for over an hour now, and I am giving up. Giving up, yet dedicating it to Rafael Nadal.

Nadal, if you’re reading this (which, quite clearly you’re not, as you’re playing tennis…) Thank you for distracting me this week. Thank you for taking my mind off my anxieties, for giving me something else to think about. Watching you is a little bit addictive. It might just be the anticipation of when you’re going to change your t-shirt…it might have something to do with the way your cute little bum looks in those white shorts…or maybe its your terrific forehand? Who knows. And frankly, who the hell cares…just please win this match Nadal. Please stay in until the final. Murray and Federer just don’t distract me in the same way….

xxx

Breathe

Deep breath.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I'm getting on a train today.

Yikes.

I'm well aware that this is a normal form of transport that many people use everyday.

But...

There's nothing very normal about my life at the moment, and I'm a little bit scared.

Nervous.

Massive knot in my belly.

Hands are already shaking.

Deep breath.

In.

Out.

Right. Theres no point putting it off any longer. I need to go and get dressed. Pack my bag. Paint my nails. Double check I've got everything about 15 million times.

I think I'm the queen of double checking. Really there should be another word for it. I'm a little bit obsessed.

Tickets.

Phone.

Money.

Ipod.

What else is on my list?

A piece of my brain perhaps?

xxx

Dancing in the rain

Ooo distractions distractions.

I need to write this quickly because Corrie is on in 20 minutes and there is some serious excitement on the street tonight....

There's a twitter account that I'm signed up to called 'Inspirational quotes' or something like that. I thought it might help me get through each day. Bring some positive vibes into my life. And it actually does make me smile occasionally. Mainly because the quotes are so flipping cheesy that I am creased up double in laughter at the joker who wrote them. But still, its a smile, so excellent work all round.

But there is one quote that keeps on popping up, and actually I kind of took its meaning literally this evening...

I think it goes something like this....

"Its not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain..."

I may have got that a bit wrong, but the basic message is a good one I feel. High cheese factor, but I quite like it all the same.

Anyway, I took the advice of this little quote and got my jig on in the field. It was absoloutley tipping it down. But I'm often quite partial to walking in the rain (only when dressed appropriatley though.. but at the moment, any excuse to wear the snazzy wellies..)

It was like my own mini glastonbury...I live in Somerset. I was in a field. I was wearing wellies. It was muddy. It was raining. The only real difference is that I wasn't surrounded by 170,000 other crazy people. I was dancing this jig on my own.

A private rainy silent disco if you will....(if you haven't ever been to a silent disco, do it now, so much fun...)

And it felt good.

Actually scrap that.

It felt amazing.

You know when you've been blindfolded, and then after a while you take it off, and you feel like everything is so much brighter, clearer, more beautiful (depending what you're looking at..) It really felt like that this evening. My blindfold came off for about 10 minutes, and everything seemed so much clearer, more real, vivid. It sounds so weird.

But I liked it.

It felt like a little gift from somewhere.

xxx

P.S... top track choice that popped on my ipod was ELO 'Mr Blue Sky'...oh and TREX, 'I love to boogie'.
Excellent.

somebody told me it was thursday today

... another migraine filled, black dog consuming, anxiety plagued day....

ouch...

...and to top it all I have a spot right underneath my eye which is just laughing in my face. Literally. It is in my face laughing its blotchy socks off, saying,

 "Hahhahaha look at me I'm all red and shiny, beaming out at everyone like a beacon to say hello and I refuse to disappear!!"

Urgh.

Really that is just a small insignificant part of my disgusting day. I could write about how my head feels like its going to explode or the small panic attack I had at counselling. But I think it terms of significance, the spot seems to win hands down.

Yeah, its not just taking over my face, the spot is now taking over my brain too! Ahhhh.

xxx

10,089

10,089 pageviews since February...

Well that's a bit of excitement to liven up my Wednesday.

I must say, I am astonished that people are still reading my drivel. But at the same time, touched, excited, and a little bit pleased that maybe in some small Susie way, the taboo of mental health and all that jazz is getting a bit more approachable.

Afterall, its good to talk..! Ha now I sound like the BT advert circa 1999. Oh dear.

I have a sore throat. And my headache is still hanging around. Snags.

But I did make it out of the house. Armed with the usual utility belt of ipod, knitting, fizzy laces, I got on a bus. Awoohoo. Actually, no awoohooing. It wasn't that exciting....

Hang on a minute...I think Nadal is playing...I wonder if he'll strip off court side again...hmm interesting...I should probably go and check this out...

xxx

4 lines

Migraine..............

Black dog........

Anxiety overdrive.....

Not a good way to spend a Tuesday, I don't recommend it!

xxx

The top 10

My darling sister might be a tad annoyed about the following information I am going to divulge..But I know for a fact that her computer is broken, so she won't be reading this....sneaky hey!

Back in the day when I was about 7 and my sis was 12, we had a bit of a phase on listing our top 10's. Well, actually I only remember listing our top 10 men. (I think the concept went slightly over my head being 7 and all...but I so wanted to join in with my big sis...) And on this particular occasion after writing them out very neatly in big bubble writing on some sort of fluorescent paper, Sarah proceeded to stick the list, very proudly on her bedroom door.

No doubting who was at the top spot. Chesney Hawkes of course! Who could argue with that swish hair and sexy mole? Actually Sarah also had a (lifesize) poster of him too....(wow she's really going to kill me...)

Now I'm trying to remember which other hunks made up the chart... All 5 members of Take That were defo on it. Mark Owen may have even been at chart position 2 come to think of it...We were both massive fans of Paul Nicholls (whatever happened to that gorgeous man?) but I've got a feeling he was on a later list.... I think Andy Peters may have made an appearance actually. Possibly even Edd the Duck.

But the most unusual and certainly the oldest entrant managed to sneak in at chart position 10. I don't think my sister will ever live down the fact that Bruce Forsythe was that man....!

This little hilarious trip down memory lane has got me thinking about top 10's. Favourite things. And how some of them will never change throughout our lives, but others, possibly like Brucie, might get knocked out of the chart.

I can get a bit obsessed/excited with favourites. Especially when meeting someone new. Or asking slightly random questions and making them choose. Its like the would you rather have 3 eyes or 3 arms scenario...tricky, very tricky.

Do you remember those Fun Faxes from back in the day. So cool. I had three I think. I must of been super organised. One was even a special spy version and me and my Grandpa used to write letters to each other in Morse code...

Anyway, they always had a big section at the front that you filled in, asking you all about your favourite things. And there were some really cool stickers too.

I wish I still had those darned Fun Faxes...Although I think I can remember what my 8 year old self would have written...

Fav colour? red
Fav food? corn on the cob
Fav drink? dandelion and burdock (what happened to this delish drink?? I miss it)
Fav animal? pigs
What do you want to be when you grow up? an actress

17 years later......

Fav colour? red
Fav food? chicken nuggets (yeah I haven't really progressed much on the culinary side of things...)
Fav drink? diet coke
Fav animal? my dog Bella
What do you want to be when you grow up? happy

xxx

Big up the Blagdon massive

One of the advantages of blogging is that you can mention lovely people and make them feel a little bit special. I've also been told that it can make you feel a bit celeb like...But I cannot confirm or deny this...Its just a rumour...! However, there is a disadvantage because I might have had a spiffing time with someone...and then by the time I get to writing my blog, black dog has taken over and I feel like shit. And then I feel bad that I haven't mentioned them. So apologies.

...I'm not making much sense (again..)

You see, it kind of comes as a package now, Susie and her writing. If something vaguely hilarious happens when I see you, chances are, its gonna get blogged about...I need to hold onto these nuggets of comedy. Equally, if I see you and nothing funny happens, then, chances are you might get offended when I tell the world how boring you are. Or how crap your jokes are...Or how entertaining your dance moves are...either way I will stop wittering and start writing....

Its all quite exciting. I didn't blog last night. No. Not once. Not even a tiny little one liner. And I wasn't tucked up in bed watching sex and the city and eating ryvitas. I was out. Out of the house. Out of Saltford! Wahey.

And where was I? Deepest darkest Somerset. Where people sing about tractors and cider is the only tipple going.....

I kind of like it when you come back from staying at someones house and your clothes smell like their house. Does that sound weird? Anyway, I've just unpacked my bag from last night...and the strongest aroma creeping out from my cardigan? Apples. Defo apples....

Right... keep on getting distracted. Flippin facebook.

Back to Blagdon...

And so it was that at 12 o'clock last night I was suddenly surrounded by the most amount of nakedness that I had seen in a very long time. 10 crazy people all stripping off and jumping in the pool for a midnight dip.... No way was I going in. For one, it was flippin freezing. Two, I wasn't entirely ready to show the world my bum. Even if it was June. There were much too many other lovely bottoms on display, and mine was just feeling shy.... (Kim this is a particularly big shout out to you..I am very jealous!) And three, I don't want to shout it too loudly (well I did last night actually..)  I was a little bit scared that I might die out there in the misty murky waters of the pool. Mainly because I can't really swim very well....I'm a scaredy cat....Its not that I can't swim...I can....I just find that doggy paddle has become my forte over the years, and I haven't really progressed.... There was a vague attempt at trying to pick me up and entice me poolside, but unluckily for Andy, I just used my talons and scratched his eyes right out....

Some people had quite clearly come prepared. Being a nautical themed evening really got people inspired I think. It was all about the water. Alex was the first one in (after all, she was dressed as a lifeguard...) But unfortunately for Mike, I think he was somewhat regretting his choice of white underwear....

This is all really the tip of the iceberg, so many other comedy nuggets to dissect...limbo dancing, shimmying, kylie minogue, cider with no fizz (confusing)...Oh I could just go on all night.

But I wont....promise...

Before I go...this is really what I've been trying to say...

Thank you Blagdon....To everyone last night....

You got me out of the house.
You made me laugh.
You made me shimmy.
You fed me tasty bbq treats.
You mocked and admired my knitting.
You didnt think I was nuts when I got a bit paranoid.
You didnt make me feel left out.
I was surrounded by people and I didnt feel alone.
You let me blow your whistle.
You told me lots of jokes (the cheese jokes rule..)
You told me interesting things that took my mind off my own messy head.
You gave me hugs.
And kisses.
And boy oh boy did you make me dance......

xxxxx

Queen Susie

Another massive headache.

Curses.

But....after multiple painkillers and several diet cokes it seems to be fading away.....hurrah!

I was the exercise queen yesterday. Really. I was. Two long(ish) walks and a run before bed. Phew.
And another long walk by the river today. Exercise and fresh air make such a massive difference to my day. And although my hands still won't stop shaking I think it may be because I am growing some muscles...science according to Sooz....do you even grow muscles? I think that's the wrong word...

It is always a monumental effort to drag my arse out, find some inner strength, and get moving. But it makes me calmer. More relaxed. Especially if I'm near water. Totally obsessed with the sea and river...Actually that's quite weird because I have really bad nightmares about floods and tsunamis...yet in reality I find looking at them so stress-relieving. But in my dreams, I'm always running away from them.....Hmm...Maybe a hidden meaning in there somewhere...!

Anyway....You really don't see many people round here in deepest darkest Saltford , another superb reason for getting out into the space. And especially if I have some strawberry fizzy laces tucked in my pocket for provisions, what more could a gal ask for.

This all seems like a repeat of what I've already said a million times before...

Ah well!

xxx

yuk (what an appealing title...)

Urgh.

Not a good day.

Black dog everywhere day.

Can't settle to anything.

Tried painting...hated it.

Tried sleeping...brain wouldn't be quiet.

Tried eating something sweet...felt sick.

Tried skipping...got my flippin foot stuck in the rope and flung the darned thing down in rage...

Tried listening to music...shuffle is my constant enemy...why have I got Christmas songs on my ipod?

Oh wait Lynyrd Skynyrd has just saved the day (well 10 minutes of it anyway)....... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9sGd-JLvNA
Freebird... and Sweet home Alabama... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Cyokaj3BJU

Virginia? New York? South Carolina? Massachusetts? Are you listening?

I miss you xxx

Get it in your brain Sooz

How many times do I have to ram this into my teeny tiny little brain???

Think about today Sooz. This moment. Now. Concentrate on it.

Stop thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month.

It is a waste of energy.

A waste of your braincells.

I can't cope thinking about tomorrow so I just need to stop thinking about it.

Argh.

But its so annoying!!!

Why does it stress me out so much...why why why why why why why!!!

On a different note, I just enjoyed my first glass of red wine and I feel very sophisticated and mature... However, that sentence would probably make more sense when referring to a person who doesn't have a green skipping rope with frogs on the handles......

(I can feel judging eyes upon me. Please desist. I'm not going to pay flippin £10 for a high tech all singing all dancing rope. £1.25 is where its at... and that's the one advantage of being vertically challenged...yes yes yes.....)

I may go and do a bit of skipping now actually.

Relieves tension.
Energy.
Anxiety...

Something anyway...and plus the frogs are pretty cool...

xxx

Postal and virtual hugs

Well...

As I look back on it now..this has been a day full of surprises.

And they were all good surprises too. Which is always a bonus....

Firstly, a package that I had been expecting for quite a few days finally fell into my little paws. And a letter too. Lovely. Reunited with my rosary beads. My wrist no longer feels naked.

Secondly, another package appeared on my doorstep. This one contained a really interesting book about Georgia O'Keefe, an amazing artist who used colour and shape to express her feelings. I had a little read this afternoon, and just looking at the paintings really relaxed my mind. It also has got me into thinking about this other book by Kandinsky called 'The Spiritual in Art'. Methinks I shall have to purchase a copy as it looks right up my street. So that was a surprise, within a surprise..thank you Fiona :-)

And now I cant really remember the other surprises.......
Hummm....

I was feeling so tired yet restless this afternoon. Such an annoying combination. Especially when you mix a huge black dog into the equation. Bastard.

So that wasn't really a surprise. That was a normal occurrence in the world of Sooz..

Oh yes... I just remembered my last surprise of the day....!

Popped onto Skype, and who was online? The fabulous Miss Abbi. Whom I haven't spoken to for yonks and yonks. So good to hear her voice. And totally unexpected. A kind of virtual hug from around the world.

xxx

Topsy turvy

I think I must of used up all my writing skills last night....

Yesterday I had nothing to say, and then proceeded to witter on for ages and ages....

Tonight, I have lots to say...but nothing to write.

Welcome to the upside down world of Susie! A place where nothing makes sense and strawberry fizzy laces are the answer to everything...

xxxx

Listen to your gut

I wasn't going to write in this little box today.

No energy and nothing to say.

However, I've been upstairs trying to watch something on telly and I just cant concentrate. The tv guide is telling me that there are a few favourite programmes of mine on, but my channel hopping is getting ridiculous. Nothing fits. Nothing is relaxing. Everyone on tv is annoying me tonight. They're all either too pretty, or too succesful, or just generally have it all. And I'm lying on the floor, wrapped in a pink blanket eating ryvita. Its not a good comparison.

I really wish I could stop comparing myself to others. Its so frustrating. And such a waste of time, and energy. But my brain will not desist. It likes to remind me that everyone else is living a much fuller, healthier, more enjoyable, less stressful, life than mine.

I feel like I have just wasted time.

I'm 25 and what do I have to show for it? A cupboard full of medication, hands that wont stop shaking and a brain thats gone all funny. (And not funny ha ha. Funny weird....)

I wish the doctor could tell me, "Susanna, in 2 months time you will be feeling back to normal..."(whatever normal is!) Its the unknown I guess. Which sometimes can be super exciting, but mostly, at the moment, I just find scary.

 Is this illness going to be a part of my life forever? Have I just got to accept that it wont ever go 100% away, that there will always be a battle there? Or will it fade? And when will it fade? The trouble is, when you think back how long all this shitty depression has been going on for, its probably so much longer than I want to realsise or admit....5 years? 6 years? Not good.

And then I think. Seriously Susie, you really shouldnt be getting frustrated. What have I got to complain about?

But then I remember.....that we all have problems, ill health, stressful stuff going on. And theres not really any point thinking that my stuff is worth less than others. Its hard not to though. Sometimes I think, oh I'm just making a fuss about nothing. Hundreds of people have depression. Which is true, hundreds of people do have depression, but no-one else is Susie Piggott.

I'm the only one.

And everyone has a different way of healing. A different timespan to heal. Different issues, different problems, different people. No one else will ever feel exactly how I'm feeling because there is only one of me. You can certainly empathise and sympathise with others. Relate to what they're saying. But the uniqueness that we're all made up of is actually a good thing I think....I'm not making any sense....

I would love to be rescued. A big helicopter would come zooming down (maybe Prince William would be the pilot, who knows!) All the big strappping helicopter rescue men (not sure of their official title) would winch me up that rope thing and nurse me back to health. But I wouldnt be rescuing myself. I would be totally dependant on my rescuer. And when you're in a vunerable position, its so easy to get attached to your rescuer. They seem to have the answer to everything! And you're not in a position to argue with them. Because they rescued you. Which is quite a powerful thing to hold over someone.

Lost yet? Yeah my train of thought is a little weird this evening.....

Now I'm not saying being rescued is a bad thing. Of course not. We all need rescueing from time to time, especially if you're a teeny tiny cat stuck up a tree. And I'm also not saying that in some ways I havent been rescued. Because I have. Daily.

 I have a team of mini rescuers. They give me my medication, digest my innermost thoughts, cook me dinner, text me, hug me, kiss me, tell me a funny story, tell me any kind of story, write to me, email me, phone me, poke me, make me a warm squash, send me a picture, drag me out of the house, walk with me, run with me, spin with me, eat with me, make me laugh.

And I am forever grateful.

But I wouldnt be sat here typing if it wasnt for a little nugget of strength found somewhere  within my gut. It said to me, "Susie, get off your arse, and do some writing, you will feel better."

Pretty clever gut by all accounts. And I could of easily ignored that. But I pinned back my ears, and listened to my gut, my inner rescuer.

And now my inner rescuer is telling me to stop typing. Ha!

 xxx

A rather good distraction

Geo caching. Or Geo-cashing. Or Geo-compassing as I momentarily thought it was called. My new found hobby. Which is always quite exciting...

..It doesn't cost anything (as long as you have a sparkly clever phone that tells you what to do... good work Charlotte..) You get out in the fresh air. You discover new places (and sometimes quite odd places, like the inside of a smelly old phone box..) You feel like you're in the famous five...  And you feel like you're part of a secret little society....with its own language and everything...oooo... I feel the beginning of an obsession starting....

Oh and I would tell you all more about it. But I'm so sleepy.

Its been a long week. Pretty stressful. Mind feels like its been on a trip to another planet and back. Its so hard not to worry about tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and next month, next year, 5 years time, ARGH. Shut up brain!!!

 I just need to think about now.

This moment.

When I want to curl up on the sofa and have a cuddle...

xx

The Secret Garden and the Psychiatrist

Wowzas.
So much stuff in my brain.
I think it might explode.
BOOM.

Where do I start, where do I start?

Lets start here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxEU5qlWfdQ&feature=related because this music is really relaxing my little brain....and http://www.youtube.com/watchv=i5_MzokpFts&feature=related

Its from the film The Secret Garden. One of my all time favourites. I used to love the book, and the film is just  perfection. I was watching a bit of it yesterday actually...I did fall asleep..but  the words and the music are engraved into my brain now, so I didn't miss anything...

Theres something about the magic and mystery in the story that has always mesmerised me. When I was a little girl I used to pretend to go hunting for my own secret garden, imagining I was the  only person in the whole world who knew about it.

Finding space in nature has been such an important part of my life. And especially during the past 6 months. I feel connected. I have room to breathe. I know it sounds weird. I'm so lucky that I live just next door to a bunch of fields, because they make a massive difference to my world. Even just hearing and seeing the wind through the trees can be so relaxing and restful for me. The sea and rivers have the same effect. The ebb and flow of the tide. The constant motion of the water.

Its relaxing just writing about it too actually.

And I need something to rest my mind. Today has been a bit of an overload of information and questions. I had an appointment with a Psychiatrist, of which I was insanely anxious about. But, thankfully, he wasn't the scary mean little old man that I had conjured up in my brain. He was actually really nice. Understanding. Caring. And very clever. It must be nice to have a brain that big.

Anyway the result of todays appointment is that he is changing my medication. Which also means that over the next few weeks I might be a bit worse before I get better, as my levels of drugs change etc. But ultimately, in the long run, I'm hoping this new drug will suit me. Fingers crossed. And if not, then they will try a different one. There are so many different anti-depressants out there, I guess they must know that not every pill suits the same person.

He also talked to me about how depression and anxiety are biological. That my depression and anxiety are genetic.

Which really made me feel a whole lot better. One of my mantras is  "Depression and anxiety, are not signs of weakness, they are an illness." But I seriously haven't got that completely carved into my mind yet, and I constantly think its my own fault, that I've brought this on my self. Which in fact, is probably a sign that I'm not on the right medication. Because if I was, I wouldn't still be blaming myself.

Confused?

Yeah me too.

I think the sofa is calling me...

xxxx

Headache

Headache refusing to budge...Painkillers not even touching it...

And I don't think staring at a computer screen is really helping..

But I'm thinking about buying a skipping rope, so trying to do a bit of bargain hunting. I figure, it might be a good way to release some of my anxious energy.

Ouch.

xx

Black dog rules the roost

Here's a short sentence for you.

I feel like shit.

Oh and here's another one.

Nothing ever changes.

Argh.

I've fucked my whole life up.

Failure.

Failure.

Failure.

Take me away from this nightmare.

Please.

x

Susie and her saw

I feel that my writing has been particularly appalling recently. I seem to only be able to converse in. Really. Short. Sentences.

So we shall see if I can get the flow going a little better this evening. That's whats been missing; flow. My writing has been really disjointed. But then I guess that's a reflection of my mind, which is extremely disjointed.... (I really wish I could think of another word, but I can't so I'll just have to use it twice...!)

I chopped down a tree this afternoon. Yep that's right. I did some gardening. Well, if hacking and chopping things down can count as gardening? My rule is, if it doesn't have a flower, then it gets chopped. It seems to be working quite well for me so far. And maybe tree isn't exactly the correct terminology. You could say, small tree, or very large bush. Whatever. It was dead and was blocking the doorway. And now its gone. Hurrah.

I used these giant clipper scissor things, but more exciting than that was when I got to use the little hand saw. I tell you what, if I get excited about a hand saw, I should never be let loose around those extreme power tools. Wow. There probably wouldn't be much left of the garden.

But its just so satisfying chopping something. Causing destruction, but in a positive way. I am such an impatient lady, I really hate waiting for things, and my concentration span just tends to lose interest. I guess that's why I like painting and writing, and knitting. Instant results. And now chopping too. Ooo I should of worn my shorts and a lumberjack shirt for the full effect. I did however get my crazy wild locks stuck in a big bit of beastly thorn which was quite distressing. They got chopped...(the thorns not my hair...) Ha. Revenge is sweet.

Trouble is, my arm is really aching now. And weirdly so are my stomach muscles. Who knew that gardening toned up your abs? Interesting.

xxx

Home

Back home.

Bedroom is ridiculously messy.

May have to sleep in the spare room to get away from the never ending piles of clothes.

I wish my OCD cleaning fetish would step up to the mark (please?) but it seems to of deserted me...

Also a little concerned after sleeping for a week in a double bed I may fall out of my teeny tiny single tonight....

Can't stop eating ryvita thins with sesame seeds. The best new snack around. Thanks Lorraine.

Doctors at 8:30 tomorrow morning and counselling straight after...

And a scheduled Susie snooze time after that I think...

Feeling a bit disorientated.

Anxious about tomorrow.

xxx

WEirdNEss

I’m in a strange mood.

I’m tired but I’m restless.

I want to watch the football but my mind won’t let me concentrate.

I’m hungry but I feel a little bit sick.

I wanted to get up early this morning and do loads of writing but black dog took over and sleep just seemed to be the only option…

Humph.

I can’t settle.

I wish my mind could just be quiet and leave me alone for 5 minutes.

x

Connected

Nearing the end of my little break away in Kiddie….Its been good for me to have a change of scenery. Get me out of my comfort zone. Push myself but at the same time listen to my body. It’s all about getting the balance. Which can be pretty tricky…Well actually it’s bloody hard to be honest…

Hmm..

I miss the midlands.

And it’s nice to miss something.

I haven’t missed anything for ages.

Apart from friends… (which is just a constant missing feeling really)

So I think it’s a good sign.

Connecting me to something.

The amount of stuff I rambled on about the other day before it got deleted….if I have the strength (and can be bothered….) I may try and recreate those words tomorrow. Because connection was the theme really. And I like that theme. It makes me feel, hmm how can I explain…connected somehow?!

Who knows.

We shall see.

I shall stop typing now…

xxx

A little bit distracted..and very sleepy

Well, it’s official. Bella doesn’t like me. We have had a close relationship for the past 13 years but in the last half an hour she has run away from me twice. And she wouldn’t come to me when I called her. (Just for clarification, Bella is a dog, not a person …)

Anyway, I am not amused. I need cuddles from my pooch and she is being a cantankerous old lady and being ridiculously stubborn. For a reason unknown to me… Of which I can only conclude she has decided that our relationship is in tatters. After all the walks, meals, pooper scooping….she has obviously decided that it’s the end of the road for us. And she doesn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face, she’s just sneakily scampering off.

Ok ok, maybe I’m being a little dramatic. But I’m picking up all these vibes and I just need to release them. Ooo maybe I’ll tempt her with a biscuit. Or a little walk. She’ll soon come creeping back…

Anyway…I have no idea what I’m jabbering on about…a load of crap…as per usual…!

Had a walk in the Wyre Forest this afternoon with a lovely couple of ladies, (and babies..) Just rediscovered muscles in my legs. I had completely forgotten about those boys. But they made a bit of a return this avo, they stepped up to the mark and I even managed a bit of buggy pushing. I have a feeling they may be decidedly sore tomorrow. Love hearts, oreos and fizzy laces were the snacks of choice to get me up the hills. Yeah, I have the culinary tastes of a 10 year old…

Brain feels pretty knackered and mash potato like so I may have to stop typing.

But I’m sure there was something interesting I was going to say. Unlikely, but a possibility all the same…

Hmmm…

I’m just faffing around on the internet now, listening to random songs and looking at cars I would like to drive but can’t….(well, that’s not entirely true, I’m sure I could drive them, I just need to pass my test and oh I don’t know magic loads of money from thin air..)

Entirely distracted now…

xxx

Say I am

New blogging technique… Write it out in word, then copy and paste. Thanks for the tip genius. Lets see if this works. Yesterday I spent an hour typing away and somehow it all disappeared into cyber land. Grr.

But today is a new day. And I am keeping my fingers crossed that these words won’t vanish.

I’m feeling a little bit strange right now, because for the first time in 6 months I have managed to shed a tear. Yes. Progress has been made.

I think when you are diagnosed with depression you are expected to be all weepy 24/7, and feel sad, sorry for yourself even. But the truth is so much more complicated than that. As I have said many times before, when at its worst, depression is being devoid of feelings and emotions all together. You can’t even remember what they feel like. A distant memory.

Listening to this song, hearing these words, something hit me…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a28s_wyqkyc

Wonderful, Gary Go

The person that you were has died
You’ve lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life - into its traps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

And all your ammunition’s gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don’t know what you wanna do
You’ve got no pull to pull you through

Say I am
Say I am
Say I am wonderful

Say I am
Say I am
Say I am wonderful

If what you’ve lost cannot be found
And the weight of the world weighs you down
No longer with the will to fly
You stop to let it pass you by
Don’t stop to let it pass you by
You’ve gotta look yourself in the eye

Say I am
Say I am
Say I am wonderful
Oh you are

Say I am
Say I am
Say I am wonderful

Cause we are all miracles
wrapped up in chemicals
We are incredible
Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
Oh we are

Say I am
Say I am
Say I am wonderful
Oh you are

Don’t take it for granted, no
We are all miracles
wrapped up, yeah we’re wrapped up
Oh we are wonderful

Now I’m not saying I am wonderful…Just for the record. But I don’t know, I can’t describe it, the words of the song just seem to fit.

Its given me another glimmer of hope. For me to realise that maybe there is something remembering about myself. And even if I don’t know exactly what it is, I  can’t pinpoint it, or nessercarily trace its origin, just knowing that its there is a bit of a miracle.

xxx