Susie Scrooge

Been staring out of my bedroom for the last hour trying to figure out whats going on in my head today. So I thought I may as well start blogging, and maybe some answers will be found...(probably not, but worth a try, and the view of the builders opposite was losing its appeal plus I think I may have been scaring them slightly!)

I guess I'm just feeling so frustrated and so fed up of being this cursed black dog and the anxiety. I feel like I'm in this horrible limbo land. Not part of the real world. Just in some weird little illness bubble. And I hate it! I miss so much stuff. Normal things that I never thought would bother me. Sometimes I feel like I've just disappeared off the face of the earth. Most of the time I wish I could.

This season changing thing is really getting on my nerves too. I feel like such a scrooge but I'm really not a fan of all this life erupting all over the place. Daffodils, baby things, green leaves, birds chirp chirp chirping all flippin day long, seriously doing my head in. My mind is dark, and no amount of sunshine or cheeriness is going to change that. Bring back winter please. I think its just another reminder that time is ticking, summer is coming, everyone else's lives are moving on, and I'm here. Stuck somewhere, existing.

Oh dear,I sound like such a moaning minnie. But that's another annoying thing. You know if you have the flu or a cut on your arm or something? I am usually little miss dramatic and have no problem with feeling extremely sorry for myself and soaking up as much sympathy as possible. I cant do that with this depression stuff. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel annoyed. I never think, 'Oh poor me, this is a really shitty thing to got through' I'm much more likely to think 'Susie, this is your own fault, you've brought this on yourself'. And much as I know in my logical mind that depression and anxiety are an illness, that's why I'm on medication, somehow those facts just don't seem to stay in that little brain of mine. I should probably go upstairs and read some of my mantras.

This is one long lot of moaning and negativity tonight....

Ah well

xxxxxx