Honestly

Today's blog was written (well scribbled) at about 1 in the morning last night. I'm not sure if it makes any sense...but just had to get it out of my brain and onto paper....so...

I spoke to a friend last night. After a while he said,

"When I read your blog earlier today it was as if you were standing on the edge of a cliff. But speaking to you now, you seem OK. Back to normal Sooz. Its as if you have two different parts of you."

My instant reaction was to say it feels good to have a break from my crazy brain! And a distraction from the darkness that had surrounded me all day. And he makes me laugh (although as he so rightly pointed out, I'm mostly laughing at him, not with him....)

But when I considered things for a little while longer I said,

"Well, I don't want to burden you with all my crap or make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes turning my illness into a comedy routine is the easiest answer."

And that is by no means any reflection on him as a friend. So many people have been so great at listening to me and most importantly not freaking out when I tell them about my strange little ways. This kind of guilt that I have, this worry I'm going to burden people has somehow been created in my mind. Its strange because, its like a switch has been flipped the wrong way in my brain. Or alternatively, have experiences in my past with friends/relationships/family made this behaviour somehow more prominent. I defo don't have an answer.....I just think its interesting to consider!

Anyway......

The more I began thinking about my depression comedy routine, the more I realised I'm not as open as I would like to think I am. Have I just found another mask to hide behind? Or is this mask a positive one? It certainly makes me more comfortable and it makes others at ease too. And if you can't laugh at yourself then basically you're buggered!

A lot of people have said how brave I am for writing this blog. But I'm really not! I'm just writing, and theres nothing brave about that. Yes, I try and be as honest as possible, but there are still some things I don't talk about.

Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. Over the past 6 months I have probably become more honest with myself than I have in my whole life....Blimey I wasn't just fooling myself, but everyone else around me. It was so tiring! Trying to convince everyone that I was OK, that I was happy, that I was sorted. Turns out....I'm a big fat liar! And its such a huge mask to be rid of when you've been playing the part for so long. It was defo a negative mask. Fa shiizzzz.!

Everyday we all put different masks on. But the importance lies as to whether the mask becomes super glued to your face, or can you take it off, change it, mix it up, show all the different interesting sides to your character. I'm thinking superglue is not a good look.

Now all this might possibly be a load of bollocks, and if anyone has read this far, give yourself a pat on the back...because I'm not sure...but I might just be on to something....Its not black and white. Like so many things in life, theres a whole lot of grey.

So I promise I have nearly finished but I just have one more little point that has been buzzing in my head. Its about words. And how there are some words that people don't like saying, and defo don't like hearing. Its like in Harry Potter when everyone calls Voldemort 'he who must not be named'. It actually increases people's fear. So I'm just going to bounce around a few little words right now. They need to be said. And they need to be heard.

mental health

counselling

depression

suicide

panic attacks

overdose

addiction

self harm

hatred

anxiety

at risk

numb

suicidal

obsession

therapy

Understanding can never be wholly achieved.
But awareness?
And making these words less scary, less taboo?
That's what I really want.

Honestly.

xxxxx