Think about here and now Sooz.........

Ooo so just had a sneaky peak at how many approx views my blog has had. 218 apparently. But does that mean 218 different people? Or just 5 people have looked at it 43.6 times? hmmmmm....its  a mystery that hurts my brain! Either way....I'm not entirely sure what my point is (I feel like I say that a lot...) Because even if nobody read it...The point is in the writing it. Not necessarily in reading it. Although that is kind of the point too...as I want to help others...and get that whole general depression/anxiety topic out there...

Another 'ooooo' because I feel like I am wittering and I am not making any sense! Ha...hmmmm...

So today is Sunday. And I've been feeling pretty frustrated. Black dog has been chasing me around and stopping me from doing things. Argh. I need to give that dog a slap. Its just so annoying especially because my cute nephew is here and I want to be fun Auntie Sooz. And I just cant be. I have to really be selfish and control the time I spend with him. Which feels like I'm being mean. But I just can't cope any other way. So I've been able to have my breakfast with him, and help him to get ready. Going to the park I knew would be a step too far. I left that to Mama and Sis. I did manage to find a little bit of energy to dance around the living room with him though. I found that old smurfs album...ha ha he loved it! He's a big fan of dancing. And spinning too! What a little legend. I guess its all about controlling my day, and putting things in place so I don't have to feel under pressure to behave a certain way, or do certain things. I just need to be.

But it makes me think, how long is this going to go on for? How much longer to I have to cope with this shitty illness. When do I get better? And when I make a little bit of progress, the next day I might take 2 steps back. I was talking to my Mama and Sis earlier about how long I think this depression anxiety stuff has been creeping up on me. Its pretty scary because I actually think its about 3 years...Maybe a little longer. I'm not exactly sure. Realising that though kind of makes me understand more that I can't rush this process of (hopefully) getting better. I can just ride the storm. And let my body and mind heal. And possibly try not to think about how long its going to take....as that usually makes me feel worse!

I need to concentrate on now. This moment. Here. No point worrying about tomorrow...(how easy is it to type that...and how hard is it to follow through?!!)

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