Hold on

It feels so strange to look out of the window at 6 in the evening, and to still see blue sky. The last few months seem to have passed me by in a timeless haze. And all of a sudden it seems to be springtime. I often feel such a loss of time, no idea what day, week or month it is. Because when I do start to think about such things, my anxiety tends to go a little nuts. So for now, timelessness is where I am. Its OK not to know the date, and not to think about tomorrow. I just need to concentrate on this moment, and getting through this day....

Not sure if that makes any sense....!Ah well....

Pretty tired out tonight, but it has been totally worth it. Have spent the weekend with one of my oldest and bestest friends, which has made a real difference. We have gone through so much stuff over the years, and its been good to remember that friendship is a two way thing. That if I wasn't here, she would miss me. And I forget that. Its nice to be wanted. And needed. I know I would be lost without her, and actually, I think she would say the same. When your past is so intertwined with someone elses, you realise that each other is irreplaceable. And I can probably say that about more people than I realise. Which is so special. That my life is different because of them. And their lives are different because of me.

I know I hark on about this quite a lot. But I genuinely have to get this into my brain, and repetition seems to be a good way of remembering!

 I often feel like I'm on an island, deserted and stranded. Unable to help myself, and separated from everybody else. As I type this now I know its not true. And I'm so lucky to have so many amazing friends and family. But the scary thing is when you are surrounded by darkness your mind won't let you find those feelings. They are trapped and locked away somewhere that you just can't get to. And actually you can't even remember the way to get there. And pretty soon you're not even sure what it is that's there. It feels like a foreign country. Where everyone else can speak the language. But you haven't even got a voice.

So I need to hold onto these moments. These glimmers of light and love....

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