Monday, 11 July 2016

Mind vs Body

Just checked my blog stats and absolutely amazed that although I'm not writing on here regularly, people are still reading, thank you! 

I hope you've been able to decipher my ramblings and maybe even find a little comfort.

Last night I didn't sleep (which is always rather irritating) but it was especially irritating last night as my brain was spiraling into the most horrible of circles.

Before I divulge what was going through my brain, I should give you the current back story; that I have been trying/failing, to lose weight and get fit. At the weekend I weighed myself and I have gained 2 stone in 2 years, which was something of a shock and I pretty much fell off the scales.

Anyway, the conversation I was having with myself in bed went something like this....

Susie 1: "Right, I need to stop messing around and just go on another diet and get a personal trainer and become superwoman."

Susie 2: "When would you ever have time to do any exercise? You're constantly knackered Also you don't like feeling out of breath as it reminds you of having a panic attack."

Susie 1: "Just do it. You have fat legs and your clothes don't fit."

Susie 2: "It takes all my energy to look after my brain and keep that healthy. I don't think I have room in my head to keep my body healthy as well, its too much!"

Susie 1: "You've forgotten that exercise will help your depression. Get it sorted!"

Susie 2: "Honestly I'm too tired, I need to concentrate on looking after my mind."

Susie 1: "But if you lost weight then you would feel better about your body."

Susie 2: "Nah, don't think so, no matter what I weigh I would still hate the way I look."

And so the debate continues. 

I think keeping my mind healthy is the most important, but keeping active would also help my mind. I just need to stop myself getting obsessed with it all.

Which is what I'm already doing.

When I haven't even done anything.

Classic Sooz!

A balance between the mind and body would be perfect.

But perfection is pretty impossible to achieve.

Especially when you're a perfectionist...........!


x

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Living with depression

Good afternoon one and all.

It has, once again, been rather a while since I have blogged, but I have had a few things turning round in my little brain recently, so I thought it was about time I started typing.

I've been reflecting on the past 5 years of my life and thinking how dramatically things have changed. 

It led me to think about how things have changed with my depression, and how although I am so much better now, the black dog still refuses to leave my side completely.

I guess I want to try and explain how I manage life now. How I live with my depression.

Firstly, I've had to accept that depression and anxiety will always be part of my life. I will never be rid of them for ever. I've also had to accept that its likely that I will have to stay on my medication long term. I know that I need the medication to level out my brain (or whatever the scientific term is.) Its not been a magical pill that has solved everything, but just as a diabetic need insulin to survive, I need my anti-depressants.

I never imagined that I would be able to work full time again, yet now I am in a job I love working 40 hours a week. Madness really.

But I have to put certain things in place to make sure that I don't get burnt out and frazzled. (Because when I'm over-tired, the black dog just loves to bark in my ear.)

For example, in the week, I would love to go out after work, catch up with friends and do other bits and bobs of socialising. However, I can't. It would just be too much for me. After spending all day talking to customers and putting all my mental energy into work, the evenings are specifically reserved for being a zombie. Lying on the sofa and zoning out. Its annoying, and rather frustrating, but its just the way it has to be right now.

I haven't had a full time job for over 5 years and I'm still adjusting to balancing things out.

So friends and family, please don't be offended by my lack of communication in the week. Its not that I don't think about you, or want to talk to you or see you. Its just my brain can only take so much. And at the end of the day my brain tank is full to bursting and I can't process anything else.

When I'm in this zombie like state in the evening its very tempting to reach for a refreshing glass of wine...But I have to try and stop myself. Its so easy to get into the routine of drinking in the week, but its just not good for my brain. I have to try and find other ways of relaxing.

Which leads me to colouring....I think I have mentioned this before but over the past few months I have discovered colouring books and they are just super duper. A great way to chill me out and focus my energy on something mindless and comforting.

I'm also still knitting away and my new addiction is Wordcrack on the ipad. (I'm beginning to sound like a Grandma I know.)

Having a routine also helps me manage my anxiety levels. Even when I was really poorly I tried to have a routine within the week. I find it reassuring and grounding. Although sometimes I become so reliant on my routine I freak out when things don't go as I expect. Something that I'm working on to improve...

I also want to try and bring some sort of exercise into my routine....I have done a spot of hula hooping in the living room but that's about as far as things have got...

I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. I think the difference now compared to a few years ago is that knowledge that a bad day will pass. Or even if its a bad week, at some point that will pass too. And that's what I have to hold on to. When things were really bad 5 years ago, I couldn't give myself that reassurance as it just felt like I was sinking into an eternal darkness.

As always, I'm not sure if I really have a point or conclusion. Perhaps I'm wondering how people perceive me, whether they think from the outside I look like things are all tickety-boo. When actually each day is still a battle for me. I have to keep praying for the strength to get through each day. And maybe that will never change. I couldn't do it on my own. Not without Mr B. And not without the big J.C.

xxx



Sunday, 15 November 2015

Un-cofuffleing

As I sat fidgeting on the sofa, struggling to get comfy,  I said to Mr B, "I feel like I need to do something creative, I need a project. I need to paint or write or something".

To which he replied, "Why don't you write something for your blog, you haven't done it for ages'"

So here I am.

(Good old Mr B.)

My mind is full to bursting, yet I cannot pinpoint my thoughts.

Racing through my mind like commuters in the morning rush hour.

You see the same familiar faces every day, but at the same time you don't truly recognise anyone. And before you have chance to take a second look at someone, the journey has ended, the face is lost.

I can see these thoughts, know them, but I cannot make sense of them. 

They disappear into the spiraling void of my psyche before I can grab them.

Which leaves you feeling rather muddled.

And cofuffeld (NB not a kerfuffle, but my own personal word meaning confused/muddled/ruffled. For example, if you fall asleep on a long journey you can wake up feeling very cofuffeld, and rather crusty too. But the crustiness is irrelevant in this instance.)

Anyway, thats the state of my mind right now, and I probably just need to give myself a little bit of space to un-cofuffle things. 

Its just a tad tricky when you're working full time.

I have found one great way to un-cofuffle myself, and that is COLOURING.

My evenings are now spent picking through my felt tip pens, my hands covered in smudged ink.

I'm on my second book now, and this is a link to my favourite, called the 'Enchanted forest'.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Enchanted-Forest-Inky-Quest-Colouring/dp/1780674872/ref=sr_1_7?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1447617925&sr=1-7&keywords=enchanted+forest+colouring+book

The strange thing is, when I was younger, I used to hate colouring in, and found it so boring. I hated trying to stay within the lines. I much preferred to go freestyle, experimenting with my own wild drawings.

But perhaps now, when my mind needs to be taken to a place of tranquility, somehow colouring allows you not to think.

Which is kind of where I need to be right now!

xxx






Monday, 29 June 2015

A helpful little blogging session

After weeks of never-ending busyness I have finally sat down and designated myself 30 mins to do some writing. 

Hurrah!

I have felt such a yearning over the past few weeks to do some writing, but I just haven't had the time.

My head is so full of thoughts, ideas that cross over one another,like mysterious winding country lanes that lead to unknown destinations.

But now I am here, just me and my keyboard, with the freedom to type whatever random thoughts fly through my funny little brain.

As I mentioned on my past blog, I started a new job a few months ago.

I'm no longer a lady who lunches, with days off to lounge around and catch up on my favourite netflix programmes...Oh no..now I'm working till 9-5 (well 9-6 if you want the specifics.)

The challenge of working full time again is a big one. Its a challenge that I didnt think I'd ever reach, so in that respect, I can give myself a mini high five.

However, it sometimes feels like a continual test against my strength. 

Yes, I know most people hate getting up in the morning, but try getting up every day with the thought that you're already far too broken to face the challenges ahead.

I'm beginning to accept that I now have to battle the black dog in a different ways.

In my previous job, in time, I was able to quieten his barking, and so I guess I need to hold onto this, and remember that there are ways I can control him.

Although some days he barks so loudly I'm deaf to rest of the world. All I can do is tell myself that tomorrow is a new day.

Anyway.

Enough of that.

Shall I now bore you all with wed-min?

Yes thats wed-min.

Wed-min.

The slightly disgustingly cheesy word that engaged couples have invented to describe any wedding related admin.

Nah, I wouldnt do that to you guys.

Suffice to say I have it completely under control (and when I say completely, I mean kind of, sort of, almost getting there in a round about way.)

7 weeks to go until I'm Mrs B.

Although the feminists (and anyone who loves the name Piggott) will be pleased to note that I'm changing my name to Susanna Ruth Piggott Burborough.

I've realized I'm not posh enough to have a double barreled name, so I'm keeping Piggott as my middle name.

Yeh.

Girl power!

Bet the Spice Girls would be so proud of me.

HA.

And now my 30 mins is up, so i'm going to toddle off and enjoy a cigarette in the evening sunshine...I mustn't leave it so long next time, its felt good having a little blogging sesh!

xxx



Wednesday, 8 April 2015

A few more changes...

So it would seem that whilst I was writing my last blog, without knowing it, I must have been having some special sixth sense powers (maybe now is the time to play the lottery.) I was writing about change, and who would have guessed (not moi), but my life was about to change even more....

I am now living with the lovely Mr B, in our cute little house. Which is a rather marvelous change, I must say. Not only does he do the washing up, but he also cleans the bathroom for me, yippee!

And just as I got used to living with a (not so smelly) boy, the universe decided that I should have a new job, so here I am, in the middle of another change.

Phewy its rather exhausting.

But exciting.

And a little bit scary.

Rather like the first day of school, when you're worried that your skirt might get tucked in your knickers or you'll call your teacher 'Mum'.

I was quite tempted to get my stationary supply organised and buy a new pencil case, but I didn't want to look too much of a keen bean. (And I wasn't sure where you even buy a pencil case now to be honest...)

I guess its just all proof, once again, of how things can change in your life that your mind could never even imagine (and I've got a pretty good imagination!) I mean, I never thought I would work again, and yet I've had a part time job for the past 18 months. Then I thought I would never work full time again, and here I am, working full time. Not that your life should be measured on these things. No no. Not at all. But its still pretty incredible.

Anywho. Enough about that.


Oh no, hang on, I forgot my other point.

I realize there is rather a lot of political stuff flying around at the moment, what with the general election coming up and everything. So I won't bombard you with politics too much. However, a comment was uttered last week in the televised debate that I wanted to highlight. When talking about the NHS Mr Clegg expressed a hope and belief that the mental health department should be given as much funding and support as physical health.

And I just wanted to say hurrah! Well said! And all six leaders should have given him a pat on the back! 

This is where change is most definitely needed. We need to stop the stigma surrounding mental health, and be the change :)

xxx




Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Changing

Oh gosh, has it really been almost a month since my last post? Must try harder. However, my life has been rather taken over with things like painting walls and packing boxes....

As I walked up the road this evening, I began to think about change. I'm about to embark on a change in my life, a very nice and lovely exciting change, but whilst some change can feel positive, I do think its also important to address some of the other issues that change can bring up.

Am I making sense?

Possibly not.

But I shall continue nevertheless.

Let me give you an example, someone I know is planning to move out of the house they've lived in for the past 30 years. This person (who shall remain nameless, although some readers may know said person) has been incredibly brave and positive as she goes through this huge change. She has told me how lucky she is to have such a supportive family to help her through this change and she knows that its the right decision. 

I told her just how courageous I thought she was for making this decision. However, although its great to be positive, if some days she woke up and felt a little sad or unsettled about the approaching change, she should embrace that too.

The important point being not to repress any feelings that you have, or not feel guilty about having them. To understand that even positive change can bring about restless or anxious feelings.

And it would seem that its not just me, or the unnamed person above who is going through change at the moment, because of course change is happening all the time.

Our life on earth is fluid, it never stays still, things are always changing. 

Sometimes change can come creeping up on us, gradually poking its head round the corner. Alternatively, our lives can change in an instant, sometimes shocking us to the core.

Whichever change you may be going through, I think the critical point is recognizing all the many elements of that the change can bring.

On the other hand, you may be reading this and thinking "What is this girl wittering on about, my life hasn't changed at all!"

Let me tell you this my friend, change will come to you,  as it comes to all of us. Three years ago I didn't imagine my life would ever change, but it has. Just like the hopeful snowdrops that battle through the winter to remind us that a change of season is on its way, so will your life.

xxx


Monday, 12 January 2015

Meercat in residence

So I'm a few days late in terms of wishing you all a happy new year...whoops.

Happy belated new year?!

Nah it doesnt really work does it.

Nevermind.

You've probably had enough new year wishes by now anyway. Especially when they come from your TV (which I think is so rude, when you think about it, really think about it, commercials are just so impolite.)

I particularly hate the adverts that love shouting "New year, NEW YOU!!" Followed by promoting the latest in plastic surgery/weight loss/ laser eye surgery/new flashy car/ disgusting sofa from DFS. Yuk. That stuff really does make me feel a little bit sick in my mouth.

Christmas and new year is never my best time, but I managed to survive, and even have a little bit of fun on the way.

However, my anxiety levels have peaked over the last month. Which resulted in my heart palpations being so bad in the middle of the night I thought I was having a heart attack and was going to die.

Sounds a tad dramatic I know, and I can kind of see the funny side now, (the funny side being that I’m a relatively healthy 28 yr old, and therefore unlikely to have a heart attack.) 

But still, it wasn’t that amusing at the time.


I think that a culmination of things have led to my anxiety spiralling out of control recently. I’ve got a lot going on in my little brain, and I seem to be worrying about everything.

 Also, although most people like to be out of their routine during the festive period, I find it really difficult. Which is both daft and annoying because I love having time off, but I hate not being in my routine, so my brain gets all confused.

There have been many occasions recently when I just havent known how I'm going to get through each day. When all I've wanted to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep. 

I feel so weak and tired. But my brain wont stop turning. I'm like a small little anxious meercat who keeps scampering around in circles, looking up every second, double checking things, and generally going slightly crazy.

Haha that image is kind of making me chuckle now, oh I am somewhat ridiculous.

Right, I'm now going to try and shed my meercat persona at a dance class....it may help...or I may get anxious about forgetting how to dance.....!

xxx